


In These Luminous Days

by Miri Cleo (miri_cleo)



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Aftercare, Crying, Cunnilingus, Developing Relationship, During Canon, Duty, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Sex, F/M, First Dates, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Horseback Riding, Hurt/Comfort, Impact Play, Katrina Cornwell/Gabriel Lorca - Freeform, Minor Katrina Cornwell/Mirror Philippa Georgiou, Minor Philippa Georgiou & Christopher Pike, Not A Fix-It, Older Woman/Younger Man, Oral Sex, Pegging, Pre-Canon, Semi-Public Sex, Starfleet Academy, Threesome - F/M/M, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:22:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27902935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miri_cleo/pseuds/Miri%20Cleo
Summary: Their mission, their duty would always be an impenetrable barrier between them.
Relationships: Katrina Cornwell/Christopher Pike
Comments: 9
Kudos: 23
Collections: Big FEAR 2020





	1. Chapter 1

_Stars wheel in purple, yours is not so rare  
as Hesperus, nor yet so great a star  
as bright Aldeboran or Sirius,  
nor yet the stained and brilliant one of War ;_

_stars turn in purple, glorious to the sight ;  
yours is not gracious as the Pleiads are  
nor as Orion's sapphires, luminous ;_

_yet disenchanted, cold, imperious face,  
when all the others blighted, reel and fall,  
your star, steel-set, keeps lone and frigid tryst  
to freighted ships, baffled in wind and blast._

-H.D. (Let Zeus Record VI: Stars Wheel in Purple)

*****

Beginning of the Spring term meant the bars were always a steady stream of loud hellos and catching up for those who had spent the break elsewhere. For Kat, it was background to Gabriel holding court; he had a habit of attracting a following no matter where he went, and she had a habit, much to his chagrin, of undercutting his stories with what actually--mostly--happened.

He was in the middle of the one where he got them lost on a team building exercise on Mars first year and managed to get a commendation because Kat had used stellar navigation to find a shortcut that got them back to base faster than any of the other teams. She'd gotten a commendation too because it was her idea; he was the team leader, though. But the only reason he listened to her was because she bet him oral sex that she was right and he was wrong. 

Before he got to that part, which he usually spun as Kat bullying him into listening to her, Kat felt a light tap on her shoulder. She turned to see a dark haired cadet with bright, earnest eyes standing all too stiffly behind her.

"Lieutenant?"

"Can I help you, Cadet?"

"My friend over there," he said, nodding over his shoulder to another cadet, this one with sleek back hair and a face not half as earnest as his, "dared me to buy you a drink. Actually, she bet me I couldn't get you to let me do it. And,well, while I would like to win that bet, I would really love to buy you a drink."

"She's out of your league, Cadet. Are you even old enough to buy her a drink?"

"Gabriel, stop it." Of course he would stop his story for this. 

"Believe me, Sir, I am well aware the Lieutenant is out of my league."

Kat tried to hold back her smile and only half succeeded. She cleared her throat. "Cadet…"

"Pike. Christopher Pike."

"Cadet Pike, I'm afraid you're not going to win that bet."

He smiled, one side of his lips quirking up a little more than the other, and Katrina prepared herself to deal with another cocksure man who hadn't even gotten through his first year and still couldn't take "no" for an answer. Instead, he bowed his head and backed away, nodding to her before turning back to his friend. 

"I would have taken the drink," Gabriel said in her ear. Kat rolled her eyes as she pushed him away, turning back to their table and the half finished drink she already had. 

"And what do you usually expect when you buy a girl a drink?"

He grinned, eyes bright. "Come on, Kat. You know I don't just buy girls drinks."

"You're such a slut, Ensign," she added, knowing he'd feel that little dig but that he'd had enough whiskey that it wouldn't hurt too much. 

"I love it when you pull rank, _Lieutenant JG_."

"Okay, it's time to get you back to barracks before you actually start some trouble."

She pulled him up, and when he wrapped his arm around her waist, they were met with a chorus of boos, Gabriel's laughter rang over that, though, when Kat flipped the ancient yet always relevant gesture of the bird.

*****

Chris tucked tail and went back to Philippa, who had distanced herself from the rest of their group. She put her arm around his shoulders and shoved a drink into his hand. She was laughing, but it wasn't unkind; that was one thing, among many, that Chris liked about her: somehow she always made you feel like she was laughing with you.

"Rejected, _and_ she's leaving with Gabriel Lorca. Ouch."

"Wait, you know them both?" He drained half the glass in one go. "And sent me over there knowing they were together?"

"I know Lieutenant Cornwell by reputation, and Lorca…" Her dark eyes started to sparkle before she smirked.

"I don't need to know." Chris finished the rest of his drink and signaled for two more. 

"Absolutely not that." She rolled her eyes. 

"Seriously, you set me up for that."

"Relax, Chris. They're just friends. Have another drink. It'll make the rejection sting a little less."

He toasted to that, and by the time they stumbled home--Chris stumbling because Pippa never seemed to waver--he'd mostly forgotten what happened earlier in the night.

*****

Kat rolled out of bed while Gabriel was still snoring. He'd be late, but she wasn't going to be responsible for his bad choices--half a bottle of whiskey even after they got back from the bar. She hurried back to her own quarters to shower, put on a fresh uniform and get her things. She and Gabriel had long dispensed with the _No sleeping over at each other's places_ rule, but the ones involving showering and keeping personal effects in their own quarters still stood.

Command training was rigorous enough, but she also had responsibilities teaching cadet classes as part of her post-graduate psychology work. She gave herself one more glance in the mirror, a brief thought of putting her hair up crossed her mind before she abandoned it in favor of getting to the classroom early. As she was walking briskly down the corridor, Lorca's door opened, and he leaned out, shirtless with his hair sticking up at odd angles. 

"You didn't wake me."

"You're a big boy," Kat said, turning to walk backwards so she could still see him as she passed. "Did you expect me to lay out your uniform too?"

"Aw, Kat, come on. First day back…"

"Yeah, you're gonna be late because you took the time to bitch at me about it." She smirked as she turned back around. He'd be at least two minutes late to his first class, but Kat had known Gabriel Lorca long enough now to know he'd charm his way out of anyone remembering they noticed. He might have presented himself as a rake, but Kat knew Gabe was as steady as the best Starfleet had to offer. He wouldn't be right beside her in Command School otherwise.

*****

The headache Chris woke up with made him not want to revisit the night before. He could have gone for a full bacon and egg breakfast, hash browns, a little ketchup and some hot sauce too. But it would have taken too long to cook and the replicator lacked the addition of grease that really lessened the hangover feeling. So, he settled for a swig of pickle juice followed by a tall glass of water.

It might have been the pickle juice, but something about just getting his uniform on made Chris feel better. He took his time getting across campus, and if Chris was truthful with himself, it was because he was still soaking it all in. His second semester at the Academy was just as charmed as his entrance exams and his first semester had been...and he had to admit that sometimes he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Before he walked into the classroom, Chris ran his fingers through his hair. He liked his first impression on his teachers to be good ones. These were connections that would shape his future in Starfleet, and it was prudent to think that some of the relationship might come in handy in the future, when he had a command. The seats in the small lecture hall were already beginning to fill, and as Chris made his way down to the first few rows, the woman he assumed was the professor, as she was working at the display at the front of the classroom, turned around. 

"Uh oh," he muttered to himself before sliding into a seat. Hitting on a command school trainee was one thing. Hitting on a command school trainee who was also teaching one of the core classes for a command track position in Starfleet was another thing altogether. 

The lieutenant looked down at her padd, and Chris could see that she was covering a smirk. 

"Cadet Pike, what's a first year student doing in my High Stakes Negotiation and Mediation class?

Chris stood when she addressed him and clasped his hands behind his back. His mouth felt like it was lined with cotton, and he regretted the pickle juice. "My exam scores qualified me to skip the usual prerequisites, Sir."

She looked down at the padd again, probably verifying his claim, and he saw her raise her eyebrows. "So, it seems."

That amounted to an "at ease" or at least that's what he imagined because she turned back to the lectern to begin class. Not that he had expected anything less, but she was a skilled instructor. But, between the headache and the rejection the night before, he found it hard to concentrate. 

"My office hours are at sixteen hundred on Thursdays, and if that doesn't work for you, message me. It's all in the syllabus." She smiled then and clasped her hands behind her back, which made Chris sit a little straighter.

*****

The first time Chris Pike showed up to her office hours it was with a question about her grading policy. The second and third times were questions that even an eighth grader who had done the reading could have answered. She was beginning to think that those exam scores were a fluke, but save for an unfortunate failure in astrophysics, Pike's grades indicated that he was much smarter than he was letting on, which suggested an ulterior motive that she was very much trying not to think about.

"Cadet Pike," she said the moment he darkened her doorway, "here you are again."

He smiled that self-deprecating smile that got so many impetuous flyboys into command programs, except with him there was something so genuine about it. "May I?"

She nodded before getting up from her desk and gesturing to the two chairs in front of it. Her office wasn't much more than a nook inside one of the faculty buildings, but it served the purpose of seeing patients and students. As Pike sat, Kat rounded her desk and leaned against it, crossing her arms. 

"What can I do for you this week, Cadet?"

"I wanted to ask you to run through the simulation we did in class again. I'm just," he said, shifting in his seat, "having trouble with how you got to the ceasefire."

Kat had to suppress her instinct to roll her eyes. "Seriously? I looked at your exams; you aced at least two scenarios more difficult than that one." The fact was that Pike was smart--really smart. And while Katrina knew that intelligence didn't always apply across the board, his exam scores and first semester coursework showed the makings of a well-rounded Starfleet leader. 

She could see the "caught red handed" look on his face as clear as day, and he wasn't really trying to hide it. That was the other factor that primed him for command track--he was damnably affable. "You got me."

"Why are you really here?" Kat shifted, bracing her palms against the desk as she leaned forward.

"Since you wouldn't let me buy you a drink, I doubt you'd agree to a date with me. But if you got to know me..." He spread his hands, as if it were obvious. 

"And you thought rudimentary questions would impress me?" Kat did let herself roll her eyes this time. 

"For lack of a better option…"

"Oh, there are plenty of better options."

"Great." he stood, and he didn't suppress his grin. "I'll pick you up tomorrow night at 20:00, then."

Kat sighed as she rubbed her forehead. "I walked right into that one."

"It was a wide opening." His lips twitched, but he held a wider grin in. 

"This is fraternization, Cadet."

"Starfleet Regulation 1138 prohibits fraternization between superiors and subordinates within a direct chain of command. Anecdotal evidence shows that Starfleet interprets this clause pretty liberally, and if that's not enough for you," he paused, smirking, "Lieutenant, I'm not enlisted or an officer...yet."

"And you're that comfortable with the gray areas?"

"I think some gray areas are there for a reason. An organization like Starfleet can't overcome human nature, and I respect that it doesn't want to regulate its member's personal lives."

Kat bit the inside of her cheek. She let the barriers of professional distance that she'd built in her mind fall away so that she could examine whether this was even worth the risk. His persistence walked a line between off-putting and admirable, and he knew how to walk that line. As a student, he showed promise and intelligence that she found attractive. And he was handsome. Too handsome. 

"Use my office hours for office hours, Cadet," she said, going back to her desk. "And send me the coordinates of where you'd like to meet."

"In that case," he said as he went back to his chair, "can you go through the limitations of applying complexity theory to trans-cultural economic negotiations between the Federation and non post-capitalistic societies?" 

Katrina raised her eyebrows, but she couldn't hold back her smile. "You should have led with that."

*****

**Personal Log: Lieutenant JG Katrina Cornwell**  
 _Committed to what I'm loath to call a date with Pike and to tactical sim practice with Gabriel. Not sure which was the worse decision._

*****

The scent of hay and sawdust and unmistakable musk of horseflesh made Chris feel instantly at home. He came early to meet with the stable master and saddle their mounts so that everything would be ready when Katrina arrived. In his moment alone, he closed his eyes, relishing the stillness, the quiet wickering of horses. He pressed his check to his mount's neck, breathing her in. It grounded Chris; it was the only sentimentality he allowed himself, so when he drank it in, he drank deeply.

"This is unexpected."

Her voice snapped him back to himself, and Chris smiled against the horse's skin before he opened his eyes and turned. That little hint of amusement, just underneath--he had liked that about her instantly. 

"Do you ride?"

She laughed. "I grew up in Chicago. I've never even seen a horse, much less ridden one."

Chris took a sugar cube out of his pocket and tossed it to her. She caught it with one hand and without even blinking. "Well, a little bribe never hurt. Like this," he said, pulling out another cube and offering it, flat handed, to his mount. 

She followed suit, seemingly undaunted by the roan mount he'd picked for her. 

"She's a Morgan Horse, so she'll be good for a novice rider. But I can take the reins and lead." 

"No way." Her face was as calm as her voice, and that told Chris quite a few things about her that he probably should have guessed already. Katrina Cornwell wasn't going to let anyone do anything for her, and she wasn't going to shy away from something new. "Show me how to get on this thing."

"Her name is Ramona." He took the bridle and nodded to the stirrup. "Left foot there and swing your right leg over." He knew better than to offer to help with that. "Be good to her and she'll be good to you."

"I've heard engineers talk about their ships that way."

He laughed as he handed her the reins and mounted up beside her. "Same principle. Except with Ramona and Ophelia, here, you'll actually get that respect back."

She was eyeing him thoughtfully, and Chris was reminded of something his grandfather used to say. He'd give a million pennies for her thoughts. But she simply said, "You really like horses."

"There's nothing better in this world...or maybe any other."

He gave her a brief primer on how to handle the animal, and it wasn't wholly unexpected that her questions were utilitarian. Then they set out, the sunset lighting the trail he'd picked before the solar lights would turn on. It was easy going, which was exactly what Chris wanted. He didn't think she would struggle, and she proved him right. But easy riding made for easy talking. 

"So," he said amicably, "are you going to keep making me call you Lieutenant?"

"Doctor is the other option."

"I was curious about that. A psychology program before Starfleet Academy and starting your PhD your first year… Where'd you find the time?"

"I made the time. Putting off Command School wasn't an option."

"Not the traditional path to command."

"Command needs more people who didn't take the traditional path." 

Chris glanced over to her and took the opportunity to study her face as she focused on what was ahead of them. She was serious, which made him want to know more. Because he knew there was more to her beliefs about Starfleet, and the look of absolute surety fascinated him. But he turned his attention back to the trail, turning them off into a little clearing engineered to feel cut off from the rest of the world. 

He dismounted and hitched the horses to a post. When she swung her leg over, Chris caught Katrina by the waist, and for a moment, when she turned toward him, she was close enough to kiss. It might have started as a bet, but Pippa had somehow managed to pick someone who, when he was this close to her, made Chris lose his breath. She smiled up at him briefly before walking away, hands on her hips as she examined her surroundings. 

Chris took the task of unpacking his saddle bag as an opportunity to steady himself. He walked to the center of the clearing where she stood, looking up at the first stars to appear in the darkening sky. He spread out a blanket and began unpacking the simple dinner he'd brought. She sat, still looking up. 

"I've never seen the sky so clear."

"You should get out of the city more." He took a bottle of wine out of the sleeve keeping it cool only to have Katrina immediately take it out of his hands. 

"Enolian spice wine?" She looked up at him, her eyes bright with mischief. "This is some very impressive contraband."

"Are you going to report me, Lieutenant?" he asked, taking back the bottle. 

Katrina's eyes wrinkled with her grin, and Chris decided he needed to make that happen more often. She found the bottle opener and handed it to him. "I think if we're going to open this, you'd better call me Kat."

They drank the entire bottle between them, and with nothing but orange peels and bread crusts--a quirk of Kat's he would be sure to remember--left of their meal, they lay on their backs watching the sky. He could have fallen asleep that way and had many times as a boy. The silence that settled between them was companionable. More than that, it felt _right_ to Chris. But that might be, what his grandfather would call, jumping the gun.


	2. Chapter 2

Kat threw her head back and groaned as the viewscreen exploded in front of her eyes and faded back to the simulation parameters. It was a much more measured reaction, however, than Lorca slapping the shuttle controls. 

"Damnit!"

"I told you to implement evasive pattern Delta IV, and we're dead now because you…"

"That would have put our starboard nacelle in their direct line of fire. If we took out…"

"Taking out their forward phaser bank which would still leave the rest of their phasers and their photon torpedoes intact. If you would have done what I asked, I could have put us in their blind spot and…"

"Taking out that phaser bank would also take out their…"

"Gabe, just admit that you were wrong." This was far from their first argument about battle tactics, and the fact that they both got A's in Advanced Tactical with completely different approaches didn't help with reaching any sort of resolution. 

He glared at her before turning to the controls to reset the simulation. "You got in late last night."

"What, are you, my mom?" she asked, chuckling as she also turned back to the controls. 

"Nope, but I did see you coming back with that cadet from the bar."

"Oh, for Christ's sake…" Kat swiveled back to face him, holding onto her annoyance when she'd been willing to let it go. "You only saw that because you came in after me."

"Uh huh, now who is checking up on whom?"

"You're deflecting."

"You're the one who doesn't want to talk about getting busy with a cadet, Doc." He was smirking, and Kat could have punched it right off his face if they had truly been in private. 

"It was a date," she said, voice measured, "that was, not that it's any of your business, completely proper. And, anyway," she said, holding back a sigh and turning back to the controls determined to run the sim again, "it can't happen again."

"Because you know I'd be devastated?"

"Shut up." She scoffed. "How devastated was I when you somehow managed to get those Vulcan twins into bed with you?" The answer was _not at all_ , and that was the way the physical part of their friendship had always been. 

"I said you could have joined…" She could hear the grin in his voice. 

"He's in my class, and there may be some gray area with the distinction between what faculty and adjuncts can do with their personal relationships, it's obvious what I _should_ do."

"Oh, so you like him, then."

Kat pursed her lips. "Eyes on your screen, Ensign. And maybe follow my orders this time."

"Yes, sir, Lieutenant JG Cornwell…"

"Wipe that smirk off your face too," she snapped, trying to suppress her own smile. 

"You are a piece of work, Kat," he said as the simulation began and the computer signaled an unknown ship approaching. 

Kat threw herself into the task at hand, forcing her focus to shift away from Pike. It was already clear after one night where they had barely touched that Pike would be the type of distraction that Lorca wasn't. That it was hardly healthy to put deep and personal connections on the backburner in favor of her career. She knew she couldn't keep everyone at arm's length. She had friends. She had Gabe, who was more than a friend but less than a partner. That kind of connection… She shook her head as if to clear it. Distractions would always be an issue, and she needed to minimize them.

*****

Chris took a moment, admiring Katrina through the open door as she buried herself in work. She chewed at her fingernail thoughtfully before pushing her hair behind one of her ears, pacing with padd in hand. That was when she noticed him, but Chris realized her smile was strained.

"Before you start," he said, stepping in, "this is outside your normal office hours."

"True, but I have an appointment in fifteen minutes." She took a seat in front of her desk and nodded to the one adjacent. "What can I do for you, Cadet?"

"I don't think I like where this is going. And here I came to see if you wanted to go riding again." He liked it even less when she sighed. 

"Chris…" At least she was using his name, but with the formality in her tone, she might as well have called him by his rank again. "I had an amazing time. But I can't go again."

"Dinner, then."

"I'm your instructor, and I cannot in good conscience pursue...this."

"I would say you can't be serious, but," he said, leaning forward, "I can see that you are, which is...disappointing to say the least." He licked his lips, thoughtfully, not wanting to say too much. Any good officer, teacher would do what she was doing. Chris respected that, but respect warred with desire. 

"You don't want a mark on your record, and neither do I."

"Of course, Lieutenant." Chris stood swiftly and gave her a crisp nod. "I'll see you in class."

She stood more slowly, and Chris could see something in her eyes that it took him a moment to place. Not regret. No, longing--a wistfulness that at first seemed out of place. He wanted to push. Instead he nodded again and took his leave.

*****

Kat sat up in bed, a large padd propped against her knees. She'd stopped paying attention to Gabriel as soon as she heard him snoring, and it was easier to stay and study than get dressed and go home. He'd gotten up and headed to the shower a while ago; she'd lost track of time. But when he came back in a towel--his penchant for old fashioned water showers was something Kat knew she was never going to understand--she looked up.

"You know you can't study for that test, so why bother?"

"I'm fairly sure I don't need to remind you that I failed it my first time right after you did third year."

"Don't remind me."

Kat smirked. "I'm looking at performance profiles and mental health evaluations afterward compared to before cross referenced with data on the most successful command track first officers and captains."

"Do you want to be a researcher, Kat," he said, rewrapping the towel around his middle and sitting on the bed, "or a captain?"

"My postdoctoral work is just as important as Command School and one informs the other."

"Yeah, but…" He ran his palm up her leg. "You put yourself through a hell of a lot more work."

Kat put the padd aside and cocked her head, studying him. They had relied on each other since mid first year--studying, stress relief, physical needs--and she was grateful for the kind of understanding that allowed all of that without the kind of sentiment that created jealousy. "You're not satisfied yet?"

"Well, considering I'm on assignment this summer and you're on the _Republic_ next year…" He rolled on top of her. "I've got to stock up on endorphins."

"You'll find someone just as convenient," Kat said before she kissed him.

*****

Chris's heart sank a little when he walked into the bar behind Philippa and saw Katrina by the pool table, head thrown back in laughter. Her dimples stood out as she settled into a smile, and he watched Gabriel Lorca touch her hip as he moved behind her. The casual intimacy made his chest tight, but Chris turned back to his group, remembering how earnest she had been when she let him down.

"You're pathetic, you know," Pippa said, and he laughed with her. 

"Yes, yes, I am. And we can drink to that." 

He made his way to the bar, already crowded, and leaned against it, waiting to place his order. He straightened, though, when Lorca sidled up next to him. They nodded to each other, and Chris followed his gaze back to the pool table. Katrina sauntered around it, her face thoughtful before she bent to line up her shot. 

"That woman has a great ass," Lorca murmured. 

Chris coughed politely. "Are you and Katrina...Lieutenant Cornwell…"

"Oh, Kat and I are a lot of things." He glanced back to Chris with a grin. "But a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell."

Chris pursed his lips. This was territory that he did not need to cross into. He knew that, and it was territory that a woman like Katrina would not appreciate him crossing into. But they were off duty. He reminded himself of that. And while off duty moments could reflect on one's character, Chris let himself step back from duty but promised himself that he wouldn't punch Lorca. 

"Do you even… Are you in love with her?"

Lorca's attention snapped back to him, and his blue eyes darkened. "In love with her? No. And you shouldn't be either. She is a force, and that force is only going to get stronger. Loving Kat would be an obstacle to her. She doesn't do obstacles, Cadet. Service and Sacrifice."

Before Chris could respond, Lorca sauntered away, drinks in hand. He hadn't even realized his own had come. His path took him through the crowd, by the pool table, where he heard Katrina ask what they had been talking about. Of course she had noticed. Like Lorca said, she was a force. 

Lorca laughed. "We were talking about your ass."

Chris heard her scoff before he was out of earshot again.

*****

Pippa sat on the mat stretching after their jog while Chris massaged his calves. She leaned forward, stretching her fingers out over her toes like her body was completely fluid. Then she leaned back on her palms, looking up at Chris.

"You want to do some sparring?"

He raised his eyebrows. "We just ran ten miles and you want to spar?" He offered her his hand to help her up. 

"You do realize I'm doing twice the work just to match your stride?" she teased. "Or are you afraid I'll beat you...again?"

"Oh, I know you'll beat me again." And he had absolutely no shame in admitting it. He could fight and do it well, but Pippa was an artist. Still, they started walking toward one of the sparring rings, and he was mentally preparing to get his ass handed to him after a valiant effort. 

"What do you have lined up for summer?"

"Getting all of my flight training out of the way." And he was looking forward to it. "You?"

"Some engineering coursework at Utopia Planitia before doing advanced physical training in Marseilles. How's that negotiation class coming along?"

"If that's your way of asking if I got Katrina Cornwell to go on a second date…" She merely gave him a sly look as they lined up on the sparring mat. "The class is a good challenge. And she is…" He shook his head, looking for words that didn't make him seem like a smitten kid. 

"Not going on a second date with you any time soon," Pippa finished.

*****

It was a raucous party, the kind Gabriel enjoyed and Kat tired of quickly. But it was his last one on Earth for a while. So, she stayed. And she drank. He was holding court over their little corner of the bar, and he had a Bolian third year cadet perched on his lap. She held back a bit. They had said their goodbyes in private. She'd spent the year before assigned to Starbase Two finishing clinicals and starting command training, and that had been the test of their friendship. She knew they would weather this.

She watched him fondly, committing the moment to memory knowing it would weather and fade, perhaps disappear over time. 

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Kat flinched. She'd been standing alone, leaning against a cocktail table. But there, smiling in front of her was Chris Pike. The urge to sigh welled up, but she found herself smiling instead. 

"That's a phrase I haven't heard in a while." She drained her drink. "My granddad used to say it."

"Mine too." He nodded to her empty glass. "How about you let me buy you that drink finally?"

"The grading period is officially over at midnight, Cadet."

He took it in stride with an amused half smile and a short nod. "Enjoy your party, Lieutenant Cornwell."

The little wink he gave her before turning away told Kat that he was going to try again as soon as 24:00 hit 24:01. But by that time, Gabe had moved their retinue to another one of his favorite spots, and she felt like she'd consumed an entire bottle of bourbon herself. And because of that, Kat was confident in attributing the tinge of disappointment she felt to the alcohol.

*****

No one used chimes in the barracks. Half the time they shorted and didn't work, and if anyone needed privacy, there was always the lock. Of course, trying to override the lock protocols was a practical joke only surpassed by creating stronger protocols. They were all commissioned, the best and the brightest pushing themselves to one of the quickest paths to command. But they were still young, and with so much on their shoulders, fun was relative.

The chime sounded again, and Kat rolled out of bed. The semester had ended, and Lorca was leaving for his assignment the next day. Their celebration had ended in both of them stumbling back, and Kat remembered that she'd had the wherewithal to go back to her own quarters. Getting embroiled in one of Lorca's other affairs wasn't going to happen, even when she was cognitively impaired. 

And while Kat might have escaped that, she still had the headache that went with whatever they'd last been drinking. Still, if it had been Gabriel at the door--well, there wouldn't be a chime. She pulled on a pair of trousers and ran her fingers through her hair. Even if it was important, she was off duty. So this would have to do. And when the doors stood open, she saw Chris Pike standing there, his arms full of reusable bags. 

"How did you get in here?"

"I have other friends in Command School. Can I come in?"

Kat didn't think before stepping aside. "Is that so?"

He shrugged as he started unpacking his provisions on her small dining table. Kat crossed her arms and cocked her head, watching, let her mind fully wake. "Are those...eggs?"

"I wasn't sure if you were more of an eggs and bacon kind of person or a fruit and granola kind of person. So, I brought both."

"I don't usually eat breakfast." Kat picked up one of the eggs, examining the imperfections on the shell. "Where the hell did you find these?"

He looked up, half grinning. "You've seriously never been to the farmer's market?"

"I don't even have a stove." Replicator technology had come a long way since Kat's childhood, and she was satisfied with that. Food was a necessity, not a pleasure. 

He tapped a slim case she didn't realize he'd been carrying. "Camp stove."

"What are you doing here, Chris?" She set the egg down gently. 

He looked up from unpacking the camp stove, and there was no trace of a smile on his face, no hint of levity in his voice. "Grades were posted. The semester has officially ended, which means there is no direct conflict between your position and mine...unless you're teaching Earth History for Summer Session." He cocked his head. "Please tell me you're not."

"No." Her own smile crept up on her, and Kat pushed her hair behind one of her ears. "You're relentless."

He stilled completely, still serious, his eyes soft but earnest. "I don't want you to think that. Not with this. I respected your decision. It was the wise choice, given that you're a commissioned officer and were in a position of authority. If those are boundaries you still don't want me to cross, I hope we can at least be friends."

Kat thought better of asking him if he'd rehearsed that. That Chris had been her student gave her an advantage that was, perhaps, unfair. She'd been able to develop an opinion of him from a professional distance, and she knew his earnestness was at his core. She also didn't ask or point out that he wanted more. That was obvious, and Kat didn't want to invite discussion. Instead, she pulled out a chair and sat, leaning her elbows on the table. 

"Where'd you learn how to cook?"

For a moment, he was quiet, regarding her thoughtfully. Then he smiled, making his hands busy again. "My mom was a connoisseur of sandwiches and not much else, so I taught myself."

"What about your father?"

"He was fine with sandwiches."

There was a scab Kat realized she could pick. But she tucked that knowledge, the slight tightness in his voice away. 

"What about your parents?"

She shrugged. "Takeout and leftover takeout were specialities."

"How do you take your eggs?" 

It was clear that he'd picked up on something complicated in her family dynamic, and Kat found his decision not to pursue the subject an interesting choice. "Cooked, I hope."

He grinned as he cracked two eggs with one hand into a bowl followed by doing it again with two more. Kat was content to watch him go about his preparations, and she remembered that the silence had been just as companionable on their first date. It was a rare thing to find someone who knew the value of quiet company. 

She rested her chin on one of her hands. It was tempting to open this door. She supposed it was already open, and she'd pulled back after just putting a foot over the threshold. Her summer would be full as she finished her postdoctoral work and prepared to return to space, but there could be room. She told herself there might be a chance to do more than stand in that liminal space, provided she could step back when she needed to. And duty, she knew, would allow her to pull away.

*****

**Personal Log: Lieutenant JG Katrina Cornwell**  
 _It's just a summer. I doubt there will be space for indulgences later on. It's not that he's handsome--he is--it's more that his persistence isn't about his ego at all._


	3. Chapter 3

The lack of natural light in space hadn't exactly taken Kat by surprise. They were warned about it. Early crews received regular vitamin D supplements, and ship's lighting had advanced to approximate what most species needed from sunlight, no supplements necessary. Every cadet was briefed, put through simulations. They were _prepared_. But nothing could really acclimate the psyche to the lack of a sunrise and sunset. 

She'd left the barracks shortly after the end of the Spring semester. New program initiates needed the space. Lorca, two other friends, and she shared a little place with a spectacular view, and now that they all had postings, not more than one of them was planetside at once. Kat sat in the window, enjoying the light, even when it was gray, while she could. Too many days she missed the sunset entirely because she was so engrossed in her work. Finishing the paper was paramount. 

If there had been an old fashioned door on hinges that day when Chris came in, he would have flung it open. The whoosh of the automatic one was much less dramatic, but his mood was exuberant. Kat could feel it the moment she heard him. She looked up, smiling, but before she knew it, he was picking her and holding her tightly as he spun around. 

"I flew over the Pacific and out to Jupiter in solo flight today," he said breathlessly, "and I have never seen anything so beautiful." Before Kat could respond, he kissed her deeply, blotting out any thoughts that he'd made the flight dozens of times before as a trainee, any thoughts of her own first solo flight. 

“What,” she asked when the kiss broke, “you’re not going to say it wasn’t as beautiful as me?”

“And risk you rolling your eyes at me?" He smiled mischievously. "No way.” He sat her down gently but kept his arms around her. "I've been in space, flown around the world too, but…" He shook his head, searching for words. 

"But there's nothing like your _real_ first time." As Kat smiled, he cupped her cheek, kissing her again. This time it was softer, exuberance deepening into something else. 

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling away before Kat was ready. 

Kat cocked her head. An apology was the last thing she expected, but she had been letting him handle her with kid gloves. It was quaint, and it allowed her the flexibility to focus on her work when she felt on the precipice of something too all-consuming with him. "For what?"

"Being very presumptuous."

She laughed quietly as she put her palm flat against his chest. Kat had played games like this before, and it had its appeals. But his soft blue eyes were earnest. This wasn't some sort of display of antiquated masculinity. Kat had seen that before. And it wasn't indecision. This was care, latitude. He wasn't uncertain, but he'd lost his restraint in his joy. 

"Chris…" Kat shook her head before looking up into his eyes again, "you're not my student anymore. We could have been sleeping together for weeks."

He gripped her arms, surprising her as he pulled her tighter against him. "I want you, Kat. I can't deny that." His voice was gruff, and Kat's heart stilled. "But I don't just want to sleep with you."

She raised her eyebrows as she found her breath. "Oh?" Kat licked her lips. The intensity of his gaze threatened to drown her; she wanted to pull back, to tell him that this couldn't be more. But he kissed her again, and she slid her hands up into his thick, dark hair, realizing that she'd wanted to do that since nearly the very first time they met. 

"Let me know you," he said, hands shifting down to her hips, gripping them tightly. His lips brushed against her earlobe, and though his voice was heavy with desire, he whispered with the reverence of a devotion, "Let me in, Kat."

Hands still in his hair, Kat tugged him into another kiss, meeting his words with force as if to tell him he could see what he was getting. As they sank to the floor, she didn't know if she was pulling or he was pushing because she felt lost in where she began and he ended. It was uncomfortable, terrifying, even, but Kat was hot and wet with anticipation that overrode her better judgement. 

He shrugged off his tunic and before it hit the floor, Kat was pushing up the undershirt, the heels of her hands pressing against the ridges of his abs. She pulled off her tank before he had the chance to, and with a little effort, she flipped him onto his back, straddling his hips. Where his eyes were reverent, his hands were greedy, and Chris palmed her breasts. Kat closed her eyes, drew in a shaking breath. She pressed down into him, feeling his erection through their pants, and she grounded herself in darkness and touch as she rolled her hips against him and covered his hands with her own, encouraging him to squeeze her nipples tightly. 

"Open your eyes, Kat." 

Before she could, he had her on her back again and was tugging off her pants. She pulled her bare feet through and kicked them away. Kat felt the warmth of his palm covering her pussy. His touch was solid, firm, and she pushed into it. Kat grabbed his wrist and yanked him down on top of her wrapping her legs around him and meeting his involuntary thrust. She did not open her eyes until their kiss broke and he began kissing her neck and underneath her ear. 

Kat's nails were short, blunt, but she scraped them against his hips, sinking her fingertips into his skin.

"Is this really you," Chris murmured, nipping at her earlobe, "or another wall you don't want me to get past?"

Kat clenched her fists, but she kept her body from going rigid. "Oh, so this is the time for you to psychoanalyze me?" It stung how quickly he cut so close to the heart of it, but the haze of desire was still heavy. Her heart hammered in her chest because she still wanted him. 

"I just need to understand," he said, lips against her neck. 

"How are you so young?" Kat said it more to herself. It wasn't so long ago that she'd been where he was, but her patience had never been so boundless, so genuine. She wondered if she was so transparent or if his insight was sharper than his desire. "You're too young to be so emotionally competent." It was with great reluctance that Kat pushed him away and got to her feet, instantly missing the warmth and weight of his body. "If this isn't what you want…"

"You're what I want." 

The weight of his words cut through Kat, and she turned to the window. The view did nothing to ground Kat. Her vision and drive had been singular since day one. Opening herself to this kind of deviation was a leap without a tether. 

"This is me, Chris." Kat's voice was soft even to her own ears. She felt him behind her, hands soft on her hips as he turned her toward him. Chris lifted her chin, and his kiss was so gentle that Kat was almost startled by it. She closed her eyes and felt her shoulders relax into chemistry that felt unbelievably right. 

"I won't beg you," he whispered against her lips.

"Take what you want," she whispered, drawing out the moment. 

Kat's back hit the window, and as he held her face, kissing her fiercely, she pushed his pants down, letting him fumble to toe off of his boots. Kat swung her leg around his waist, and he only fumbled for a moment before pushing inside of her, his moan low as she drew in a gasp. They were still, moment stretching until it snapped, and Chris touched Kat's other thigh before she wrapped it around him as he held her, bracing her against the glass while he fucked her slowly. 

He was close. Kat could hear his ragged breath, feel his heartbeat against her own chest. She dug her heels into the small of his back and let herself cling to him. When she felt Chris slow, Kat had to swallow her own cry of protest. But as she braced herself again with one foot on the floor, Chris knelt, kissing his way down her body, nipping at the tender skin of her inner thigh before he hooked her knee over his shoulder. 

When she felt his tongue on her clit, Kat shuddered. Chris was focused, determined. He took his time tasting her. He explored her pussy using his mouth and his face until he found a rhythm that made her cry out. And when Kat shuddered with her orgasm, he gently lowered her to the floor asking silently if he could finish. Kat pulled him against her body, her hips met his cock and with two thrusts, she felt him let go, face blossoming with pleasure as he clung to her. 

The air around them was still, and Kat realized she was holding her breath. Chris rolled onto his back and pulled her close against him. He was quiet as he twisted strands of hair around his fingers, and Kat's eyelids felt heavy. Kat splayed her fingers across his chest. This kind of contentment was dangerous, but the afterglow blunted the sharp edges of her ambition. 

Chris let Kat's hair fall from his hand as he propped himself on his elbow. She blinked up at him, and he smiled, dimple deepening even with his lips closed. As Kat stretched her arms above her head in contentment he walked his fingers around the curve of one of her breasts, He ran his thumb over the small moles on her side. Chris did not hide that he was studying her body, and Kat didn't stop him. 

"Don't start something you're not prepared to finish," she teased.

He rolled on top of her and stretched his arm up to take one of her hands. "Tell me how you want me to finish."

A thrill coursed through Kat's body. She could hear his future in his voice, the potential for command. "With your hands," she said, not breaking his gaze. 

When Chris shifted off of her, Kat lowered her arms, but he gently caught her wrists, taking them in one hand and raising them above her head again. A shuddering breath escaped her lips. He started by caressing her cheek, and Kat found herself turning into his palm, lips open as he ran his thumb over them. Kat's body was tight with anticipation, each touch winding her desire. It was as if he was memorizing the slope of her neck, the points of her collarbones, committing each piece of her to his mind slowly. 

Chris's hands seemed too large, too long to be so gentle, but his touch spoke of his restraint rather than his power, leaving Kat with a ragged desire that began to slip away from her careful control. He pushed one finger into her cunt followed quickly by another. Kat could feel how slick she'd made his skin. The faint tang of her wetness clung to her mouth from his kisses. 

Kat fought to keep her eyes open, and he never looked away, his eyes bright and unclouded. She ground her clit against the heel of his hand as he fucked her with his fingers. It was slow, desire and need rolling over and over one another in Kat until they broke in a wave. She moaned, twisting against him, drawing everything she could out of her orgasm as she grasped at the air. And then he pulled her close before her body cooled. 

As their breaths filled the silence, Kat found herself falling asleep, the sound of his heartbeat in her ear. When she woke, the shadows had deepened with the sunset. She slowly sat up, massaging her arm as pinpricks of feeling returned. Chris stirred at her absence, but he didn't wake. Her mind began to clear as she pulled on her clothes. Kat squashed the burning edge of panic that rose as bile in the back of her throat. 

She loved the tired, sated feeling that sex left her. It was like a completed circle, a release that let her move to the next task clear-headed. But staring down at him, his arm sprawled across the space where she used to be, Kat's desire felt boundless. She could drown in it without ever feeling enough of him--that potential, she knew, was very real. But she thought, as she hugged herself and gripped her elbows, if she could keep her head above it, a summer might be enough.

*****

The feeling of the blanket on top of him was cozy, but when Chris stretched, he remembered he was on the floor. He opened his eyes to darkness, save the recessed lighting and the city outside the window. Kat stood, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed. She was still as a statue, almost lost, but he couldn't see her face in the darkness. Chris felt the instant need to reach out to her.

He stood and pulled on his trousers before walking behind her and quietly wrapping his arms around her. It was when he kissed the side of her head that she drew in a sharp breath, like waking suddenly. 

"We should get dinner," he murmured. 

"I need to work." She put her hands over his.

"You work. I'll cook."

Chris took her silence as assent, but he stayed a moment longer. Kat was there, warm in his arms, but he could tell her mind was far away. Whether it was her work or something else, Chris didn't know. She was slim and solid against him, and he was falling for her so quickly, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself. Chris didn't think he wanted to.

*****

Jogging with Kat quickly filled the gap created by Philippa's absence, Kat let him show her his favorite routes, some of which were new to her, not because she lacked the initiative to explore but Chris was coming to understand that Kat took her recreation as seriously as her studies. So he was pleasantly surprised when she slowed at the beach and suggested they relax for a while.

"Do you come here a lot?" Kat asked as they strolled side by side. 

"If the weather is nice." He shrugged. "It's a good change of scenery for studying, but it's also nice to people watch."

Kat's laugh was bright and soft, making Chris smile as well. "That seems like something you should be doing when you're a retired Admiral with nothing else to do."

"I'm hurt that you don't think I'll go down with my ship in a blaze of glory," he teased. 

"I'll reconsider once you get a ship to go down with."

"That seems fair." 

They walked in silence for a while. Chris wanted to take her hand the moment they started, but he held off, knowing intuitively that it was a gesture she would want to initiate. There was an intimacy in holding hands in public--casual but intimate nonetheless. Sex was between the two of them, but this small show of feeling reflected on their outward images. He was careful about where he pushed and how much; Kat was bold, but she kept her feelings close. He was delighted, though, when their hands brushed each other, and she hooked her index finger around his.

*****

**Personal Log: Cadet Christopher Pike**  
 _Flight training continues apace, and Kat has insisted on grilling me before my latest Earth History exam. She also kicked my ass at racquetball three times this week. I've had a three day advanced training on Titan, and as exciting as it has been, the prospect of getting back to Earth--to her, really--is consuming my off hours._

*****

It was windy, which always made the climb up the Eiffel Tower seem a little dangerous, even though Kat knew it wasn't. She glanced over her shoulder to see Chris close behind her. Kat's sides were burning; racing up the ancient steps was ridiculous. She and Gabriel never made it all the way to the second level, but that wasn't really the point. Subjecting Chris to the competition with no warning might have been cruel, but he was the one who had insisted on accompanying Kat on her brief trip to the city to access some of the older records kept by Starfleet Medical.

"Okay, uncle," Chris called. "I concede."

Kat slowed and sat down on the next step, glad he'd given in. She put her elbows on her knees and hung her head, catching her breath. 

"Why do you subject yourself to this?" he asked after they'd both taken a beat. 

"It's fun?" Kat laughed. "I think."

He mounted the steps between them and offered his hand. "Fun isn't supposed to be sadistic."

"You're the one who wanted to come to Paris with me." In truth, Kat was glad he had joined her. It gave her an excuse to stay a little longer, to contemplate some of the things she would miss about Earth once she left. 

They climbed the rest of the way to the second level in silence, and when they reached it, the sky was just starting to pink with the sunset. It was beautiful, romantic even. But the part that Kat liked best was seeing the city from the vantage point of something so enduring. She hoped that her legacy in Starfleet would last as long. Kat didn't care about fame, but she wanted to change the structure and ideals of command in a way that persisted. 

"Is that a sentimental look on your face?" he asked as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. 

"Absolutely not. It's just the light."

"I was thinking about seeing Pippa while you were working."

Kat nodded. "You should."

They watched in silence as the sun set, and as the air grew cooler, Kat was glad to have his arms around her. Chris made it so easy to be content, too easy. She reminded herself to keep her emotions in check. She smiled though as Chris's stomach rumbled against her back. 

"I know this amazing little crepe cart," he said, and Kat laughed. 

"How do you find the time?"

"I make the time. No one goes into Starfleet expecting to stay on Earth forever, so," he continued as Kat felt him shrug, "I try to make the most of it."

Kat grinned as she pulled away. When she started to head to the lift, Chris took her hand. "Sometimes I wonder if you're real."

"What else would I be?" he asked, laughing. 

A daydream. A wish. A different life. Kat fought back the urge to sigh, and as the lift doors closed on them, she pulled him into a kiss. He was real, so very real, and that was the difficulty of it.

*****

Kat had been going on the assumption that Philippa Georgiou and Chris were in the same year. Chris had returned from his visit to Marseilles with Philippa in tow, meaning Kat couldn't say no to a dinner--not that she would have. She'd learned that Cadet Georgiou was moving into her fourth year.

"He and his classmates were playing darts _after_ finishing a drinking game," Philippa was saying. "I caught a wayward dart before it landed somewhere in my neck."

Chris was grinning. "She wasn't even facing me when I threw it--and for the record, I wasn't drunk, I…"

"Just got bumped," Philippa said along with him. 

They both laughed before Chris continued. "She didn't even spill her drink. I still haven't seen anyone with reflexes like that. She's been kicking my ass in hand to hand ever since."

"In drinking games too." Philippa raised her glass to her lips, smirking before she took a sip. 

Kat raised her eyebrows, half smiling. "But your focus is engineering, not tactical?"

"I think engineers make better captains than tactical officers, frankly."

Everyone who wanted to be a captain thought their specialty would make the best type of captain. But there was humor in Philippa's nonchalance about it. Kat had been mostly quiet, content to let the two friends catch up, and it was an interesting opportunity to study Chris. He was just as affable, if a little more competitive. He really was what they would have called in the twentieth century a "golden boy.' And on looks alone, he was absolutely what Starfleet would want as a representative, whether Starfleet would admit that or not. 

"Don't tell Lorca, I said that," Phiippa added. 

"We have plenty of other things to continually argue about."

Chris pushed his chair back and stood, excusing himself for a moment. She sipped her wine and watched Philippa over her glass. "Is this the part where you tell me that if I hurt him I'll have to contend with you?"

"I'm hardly his sister." Philippa pursed her lips, but her eyes were bright. "Were you planning on hurting him?"

Kat cocked her head. "Can I be frank?" Philippa seemed to take that for what it was--Kat asking if she could speak in confidence. She nodded and Kat went on, "I'm leaving at the end of the summer. It seems inevitable."

"Perhaps." Philippa leaned forward. "He may surprise you--whether it's for good of bad, I can't say."

Kat chewed the inside of her cheek thoughtfully. Philippa had felt that qualifying her statement was necessary; otherwise, she wouldn't have. But what it meant was something she needed to parse for herself. Chris returned though, so she tucked it away to retrieve later.

*****

**Personal Log: Lieutenant JG Katrina Cornwell**  
 _Philippa Georgiou really can drink anyone under the table. Back to San Francisco and never having Pernod again._


	4. Chapter 4

Kat absently ran her fingers through Chris's hair as he laid on the sofa with his head in her lap. She'd been reading while he went over his flight logs, reviewing them with a fine tooth comb for mistakes or areas where he could improve. She'd done the same as a cadet with other projects. She still did it now, and she felt just as close to him when they were both working like this as she did in bed. 

"You'll make a good captain one day," she murmured as she put her padd down. 

He looked up at her, eyebrows raised. "Where did that come from?"

"It's obviously what you want."

"If it's in the cards, yes." He sat up, and Kat pulled her legs up, crossing them. 

"Fate? Seriously?"

"Not...exactly fate." He scratched behind his ear. "It's the path I see for myself, and it's the path I'm going to stay on, but...we can't foresee everything. So, I have to have faith and an open mind." He grinned. "In addition to working my ass off."

He was quiet about his faith and what it meant to him, but Kat could sense that the thread ran too deep to untangle from who he really was. And as he grew into an officer, one of the challenges he would face would be reconciling the irrationalities of ingrained religious belief where it didn't mesh with duty.

"You're analyzing me."

"What?" 

"You get this thoughtful look that opens up your face, and your eyes…" He shook his head. "I don't know how to describe it, but I know when you're doing it."

"Is that a problem?" Kat was smirking, but she sensed him tense. 

"To be honest, Kat, I'm not sure I like it. Knowing you're doing it feels...so clinical."

Kat pursed her lips. She wanted to choose her words very carefully, but she also didn't want him to feel like she was handling him. Ultimately, honesty was what he would appreciate the most. "Trying to understand other people is a basic human instinct, Chris. I just happen to have a set of tools that change how I approach it."

"A set of tools that also make it hard to understand you." Even though he was visibly upset, more than Kat could see reason for, he took her in his arms. "It feels like a wall I'm constantly trying to get over. And I… Kat, I love you."

Before the words even finished ringing in the air, Kat felt numb. Hearing them gave life to what she suspected; processing them brought her uncomfortably close to the line where her feelings and ambition met at a border she knew was too restrictive. 

"You can't know that." She spoke firmly in contrast to gently extracting herself from his arms. 

"I _do_ know it. I don't care what your training tells you. And I think you love me too."

"Chris, just…" Kat put her forehead against his. She closed her eyes, centering herself, hoping it would help center him. Then she kissed him, pushing herself into him. Her body and his would do the rest, and if he wanted to revisit the conversation afterward, it might be with less depth of feeling.

"Stop." He held her shoulders firmly as he pulled away. "Why do you do this? You use sex like it's a distraction, a release… It's just another tool, and I don't know how to tell what you really feel. I want to be able to look into your eyes and really see you. I've been holding myself back from telling you because you can be so distant. But I do love you, Kat."

"You lack the context to make that kind of statement." Kat's voice was calm. Every word he had said carried the weight of self-assurance that contradicted her. And his intuition was terrifying. Kat wasn't ashamed of the way she used and enjoyed sex, but she had never needed it as a tool for deflection. She had never needed to choose between prioritizing her career and a partner. 

She had never had someone want her so completely. He wouldn't hold her back; he wouldn't chafe at her higher rank, at her monstrous ambition. But Kat didn't trust herself not to quash his own potential for her desires. Kat stood and went to the window, hoping the physical distance would create an emotional one

"Tell me why you keep me at arm's length when you share every other form of intimacy with me." He walked to the window to stand beside her, but he made no move to touch her. Kat almost wished he had. "You won't accept what's right in front of you because you're analyzing yourself around it, and I don't know _why_."

"I can't be everything you want." _And be everything I want as well._

As if he heard her unspoken words, Chris took Kat's hands, folding them into his. "Why don't we stop assuming what each other wants? I know there are things you feel like you can't say to me, and I'll respect that. But don't treat me like a patient, Kat."

That he would wait for her to come to terms with her own thoughts almost made it worse for Kat. It would only hurt him more in the end. And while she'd allowed herself the indulgence of a few months' fling, this kind of attachment wasn't in the plan. Love was never in her plan. 

She withdrew her hands and pushed her hair behind her ears. "You'll be a good captain, Chris," Kat said quietly, more to herself. She was relieved when he kissed her.

*****

**Personal Log: Lieutenant JG Katrina Cornwell.**  
 _Summer half gone and my work is at the stage where I can finesse it before publication and before prepping my patients to transfer to other therapists. Chris makes everything complicated by declaring his love for me._

*****

Kat nodded her head in the imitation of listening carefully. One part of her mind was focused on what Gebriel was telling her. She'd go over it again later to pull it apart, but it was hard not to look beyond the screen into the bedroom where Chris was pulling his tunic off in preparation for a shower.

"...wasn't going to tell him that that order was going to get us all killed. Who's in the bedroom, Kat?"

She leaned back in the chair and propped her chin on her fist, covering her smile with her index finger. "I don't know what you're talking about." She'd hardly considered the fit of the uniform other than to size hers correctly, but as Chris turned around, Kat appreciated the way the trousers hugged his slim hips and the tight curve of his ass. 

"Lemme see."

"Nope." She sighed and refocused her gaze on Gabe when Chris disappeared into the bathroom. "He told me he loves me."

Gabe shook his head. "Told him not to do that."

"You what?" Kat leaned forward again, suddenly serious. She and Gabe shared just about everything with each other, but she'd never interfered with any of his relationships. As she tamped down her irritation, Kat made herself parse his potential reasons. It wasn't jealousy--that much she knew. "Honestly, Gabriel…"

"Come on, Kat. You've got three and a half weeks left there, and you probably won't be back until you make admiral. He's got two years. I'm just telling you what you already know."

"Warning people off isn't your job." She pursed her lips. "It almost makes you seem territorial, and you know how I feel about that."

He shook his head, one corner of his lips twitching into a smile. "Noted, Doctor Cornwell. But it was more for his well being than yours." He leaned forward, almost conspiratorial. "Well, what'd you say to him?"

"That's none of your business." He laughed openly, and Kat smiled. He knew her well enough to know, though, what her response had been. 

"Be nice, Kat."

"Make Lieutenant JG, and I'll think about it."

There was his easy laugh again, but Kat knew the hunger behind it. "Not gonna make it sitting around here talking to you. Be careful." He winked at her and cut the transmission before she said goodbye.

*****

They lay in silence on a blanket in the same clearing Chris had brought Kat on their first date, only this time he held her against him as they watched the sky. His destiny had always been up there, exploring, going to far flung places that no human had ever seen. Kat didn't speak of it in those terms, but he knew she felt the same call to reach out into the universe. She was frank about her career aims, but that frankness concealed an ambition that most found frightening. Most. Not him.

The difference between them was only that his path was more traditional, probably easier. He wanted to put forward the best version of himself for Starfleet. But for her, Chris showed all of himself, even when he knew she was holding back. Fear and doubt had no place in Kat's life, and he knew that's why she wouldn't admit to loving him. 

"We could meet on Risa for shoreleave." 

Kat shifted in his arms and sat up, hugging her knees. "It could be years before we got shoreleave that lined up."

"For you on Risa, I'll wait years." He grinned and sat up beside her. "Will you go home before you leave?"

Kat laughed without joy. "No. I'd rather say goodbye to my parents at a distance."

Chris rarely spoke to his own parents, so he knew the signals that she didn't want to talk about it. "That means I get you all to myself."

Kat turned to him, her hair falling against her cheek. She gently pushed him down again and propped herself on his chest. He didn't mind staring up at her for a while either. "You're going to be too busy studying to have me all to yourself."

"What makes you think I need to study?"

"No one who made an A in my class did it without studying." Even with her face in partial shadow, Chris knew she was grinning.

"I thought you gave me that A as consolation for not letting me take you on a second date."

She settled in next to him again, her laugh soft, low. Chris loved the sound of it. It wasn't the polite reaction to a bad joke at a dinner party or the raucous laughter at a bar. It was something that he knew she shared with few other people. 

They talked about the Academy gossip, people they both knew. As Chris recounted a story Pippa had sent him about nearly setting the atmosphere in an airlock on fire, Kat ran her hand aimlessly up and down his side. Even though Chris tried to focus on the conversation, he couldn't help his erection. Kat was soft and warm against him, and her aimless touch teased, even more so because she didn't realize it. 

He knew when she noticed it. She paused, hand on his hip, arm over his bulge. Even as she laughed in reaction to the story, she pushed her hand underneath his shirt and made little circles on his abs with her fingertips. She shifted her position.

"You don't…" But Kat already had her hand down his pants and around his cock so that Chris could only finish his sentence with a moan. 

"What else did Philippa have to say?" she asked as if her fingers weren't rolling his foreskin over the head of his cock. 

"Just…" He swallowed and closed his eyes, which only made the feeling of his cock sliding through the crook of her thumb and forefinger all the more intense. "...the...usual."

"Did you ever bring her here?" Her voice had taken on a playful, almost teasing quality that Chris wanted to take hold of and keep close. He curled his fingers into a fist at the back of her shirt. 

"Not...like this."

"Other girls, though." It wasn't a question, and there was no jealousy or rancour. It made him even harder than he thought possible to think about her thinking about his sexual exploits. She wasn't wrong, but there hadn't been many. And not like this. There would never be anything like this. 

"I can't recall," He managed. 

She worked his cock expertly, and when he was close, she leaned down so that her lips touched his. "I hope you'll be able to recall this time, Cadet."

He might have gone a minute longer, but the weight of authority in her voice made Chris shudder with delight. He moaned into her mouth, pulling her into a kiss as he spilled his come down her hand. He gulped in mouthfuls of the night air as his heartbeat finally began to slow. When Kat sat up, Chris immediately felt bereft. But he watched her there, a sliver of moonlight revealing the small, satisfied smile on her face.

*****

He pulled her close, kissing her shoulder, fitting the curve of her hip against him. Kat's skin was salty with sweat and her hair limp. Chris felt the pleasant tremble of exertion, satisfaction in his muscles, and he smiled against her soft skin.

"What are you doing?" she murmured, settling with her back against his chest. 

"Memorizing you." They would say goodbye in a matter of hours, and while Chris knew he would hold what he felt for her as long as he could, they both had an almost singular focus on what their futures in Starfleet would be. Though, he would have happily shared that future with her. 

"So sentimental," she teased, rolling over to face him, her green eyes sharp. 

"I like to think of it more as a practicality." He pushed a strand of hair out of her face only for it to immediately fall back. "Are you going to let me come with you to the transport launch tomorrow?"

"Chris…don't make this harder."

His dimple deepened as one corner of his lips turned up in a smile. "I just wanted to hear you admit that it's going to be hard." It was as close as he was going to come to hearing her say she loved him. She did. It wasn't the sort of thing Chris would assume, usually, but he knew she did. 

"You'll forget about me by my first shoreleave."

It was always hard to tell when Kat was serious, but Chris could hear it in her voice. He put his forehead against hers. "Wager on it?"

"I can think of better things we could do right now." She swung her leg over his hip and gently prodded him onto his back so that she was straddling him. Chris could argue, but his body was already responding, and with only hours left before she was flung to another part of the galaxy, arguing wasn't worth it.

*****

_Departure from Earth was uneventful. I have to remind myself that the only way is forward._

*****

Kat slid behind her desk and took a moment to push her hair back before she opened the private communication. Chris appeared in front of her, his image flickering slightly before establishing itself as partially opaque. She raised her eyebrows.

"You know I can see that you're not wearing pants, right?" It had to be--she glanced at the chronometer--midnight or later back on Earth.

He frowned. "You've got the new holo emitters."

"We're testing them, yes."

"Well," he said, grinning, "I could be wearing less…"

"For all you know I could be on the bridge."

"But you're not."

"Put some pants on, Chris."

He walked out of range of his monitor for a moment and when he returned, he was completely clothed. It had been a while since they talked face to face, and with him there in front of her, Kat found herself missing him more intensely than she cared to admit. Kat let herself feel it for the duration of their conversation, which wasn't long enough. Then, she had to push the feeling away. And yet, he continued to reach out, again and again, pulling her back even though he had so much ahead of him.


	5. Chapter 5

The fact that he was getting a priority message on shore leave made Chris's throat tight. Five days was barely enough time with Kat, and he didn't want to be called back to duty after only one of them. He and Kat had already headed for the bathing pools, but she'd sent him back for the towels they'd forgotten, so Chris sank into the chair in front of the room's terminal, hoping the message would be short. He certainly wasn't expecting Gabriel Lorca to appear on the screen. 

"You alone?"

"Kat's out, yes. How did you get this coded priority?"

Lorca chuckled. "I have my ways. Listen, you need to pick me up at docking bay alpha tonight at around 19:00."

Chris felt his neck getting hot. If Kat knew Lorca was coming, she hadn't told him. "Why are you here?"

"It's Kat's birthday. We're going to surprise her."

"It's…" Chris frowned. "She didn't tell me that."

"Of course she didn't." He smirked. "In second year I paid a systems engineer to hack her file to find out. So, 19:00. Don't be late."

Lorca terminated the message, and Chris let out a long breath before scrubbing his face with his palms. It had been hard enough to get Kat to agree to join him on shore leave in the first place and a miracle the timing lined up. In the year since she'd left Earth, Kat had been hard to pin down. But Chris took it as a sign that she _let_ him pin her down, that she answered his messages eventually. He had no illusions about whether she considered their relationship exclusive; he accepted that, pushed past the hurt of it. But seeing her disembarking the shuttle that morning, Chris knew his persistence was worth it. 

Now he had to worry about a birthday present for someone that was absolutely impossible on top of Lorca showing up unannounced. They were supposed to have dinner that night, and he'd need an excuse to be late. He let his hands drop to his lap before getting up and grabbing the towels they'd forgotten. 

When Chris emerged from the private path leading to a geothermal pool, he found Kat submerged to her collarbones. She smiled up at him. 

"You took your time."

Chris set the towels aside and slipped into the pool, moving behind her and settling her back against his chest. "You're just impatient because you've missed me so much."

She scoffed, but at the same time, she pushed his hand into her bikini bottoms. Chris didn't need to be asked twice; he was happy to oblige and forget about whatever it was Lorca had planned, for a little while at least. The suns were just beginning to sink when they got out of the pool. Kat wrapped herself in her towel and pulled him into her arms. 

"Are you sure we need to go to dinner?"

Chris kissed the corner of her lips. "You may be utterly uninterested in local cuisine, but I'm looking forward to it."

"Suit yourself," she said, shrugging as she began to make her way back up the path.

It was a loss, but Chris consoled himself in thinking that they could certainly make up for it in the days they had left. That was, if Lorca wasn't planning to stay. Their friendship had always puzzled Chris. Lorca and Kat seemed as close as siblings, only the casual sex they engaged in was--well, it was the stuff of rumors. He reminded himself that jealousy was useless. 

When Kat got into the shower--water, which was supposed to be part of the resort's charm--Chris changed and slipped out. He left a note letting her know that she should meet him there, nothing more. Telling her to her face would have meant pointed questions, and even if it wasn't his surprise, Chris didn't want to spoil it. 

Lorca was still in uniform when Chris arrived, and he didn't appear to have a bag. He clapped Chris on the back, grinning. "Alright, where is she?"

"Waiting at dinner."

They started toward one of the two seater land vehicles for resort use, and Lorca ducked into the operator's side. Chris chose not to take it as posturing; he didn't know Lorca well enough to tell. At any rate, the ride would be shorter than the walk.

"How in the hell did you get her to agree to go to dinner?" Lorca asked as they jolted forward. 

Shrugging, Chris said, "Even Kat has to eat regularly."

"Fair enough." Lorca chuckled. 

"Are you going to let me in on the surprise?"

"Oh." Lorca glanced at him, almost like Chris should have known. "We're gonna have a threesome."

Chris blinked hard, letting that sink in. It wasn't that he was opposed. He wasn't actually sure if he was opposed or not. The opportunity had never arisen. It was that Lorca made it sound as routine as a shuttle diagnostic. "We...what?"

"Relax, Cadet." The vehicle came to a stop near the restaurant's entrance and they both got out. "I can keep my hands to myself...and Kat. Or not, if that's what you want. Or," Lorca continued while he undid his collar and unzipped his tunic, "you can watch. She likes that."

There wasn't time to even parse that because Lorca was heading inside, and Chris followed. He reassured himself that he knew her. He knew she had never had a real, fresh poached egg until he'd made one for her, that she could kick his ass at racquetball and had played competitively in high school. He knew that if he kissed her behind the knees, she shivered. He knew, as they walked in, that he had never seen her in a dress until that very moment when she saw them and stood. It was black and left her shoulders and most of her back bare. 

Lorca whistled low through his front teeth. Chris restrained the urge to punch him in the face, but Kat was grinning, actually grinning. 

"Gabriel!" She hugged him tightly and planted a small kiss on his cheek. 

"Happy birthday, Kat."

She glanced from Lorca to Chris. "How did you know?"

"Come on, let him have some secrets."

Chris just smiled as he shrugged, but when he kissed Kat, it was on her lips. Then he pulled out her chair. "Happy birthday."

Dinner was actually pleasant--Chris had to admit that. Unlike Kat, Lorca didn't consider food to be a bothersome necessity. Not to mention, it was fascinating to see her through the lens of someone besides himself. Chris leaned back in his seat, full from the meal and taking them both in--though, mostly Kat, whose skin glowed in the low light. But he could see what made Lorca desirable--he was more handsome when he laughed. 

"...and I called her Kitty for a solid week," he said, laughing between sips of wine. "Jesus, she did _not_ like that."

Kat half smiled. "No, I didn't."

"What'd you do?" Chris asked, eyebrows raised. 

"I broke his nose." Kat finished her glass and sat it down definitively, smirking.

"She broke my nose in public."

Chris couldn't help but laugh when Kat said, "We were out of uniform."

"There's a joke to be made about claws here, but I'd like to keep my own nose intact," Chris said. "Plus, I think we might be overstaying our welcome."

Kat took his hand when he stood and offered it, and as they walked back to their little bungalow, she linked one of her arms through Chris's and one through Gabriel's. She seemed lighter, genuinely pleased to have them both with her. Marring that with insecurities seemed like a shame. So, Chris set any he might have aside; however, when they got inside and Lorca walked past them to the bar, Chris pulled Kat into a kiss. 

She smiled and touched his cheek before Lorca pulled her attention away. 

"You want the purple one or the," he called, holding up two bottles, "green one?"

"What is it?" Kat took Chris's hand and led him inside.

"I don't know. It's...green."

Kat turned back to Chris but he shrugged in response. "So," Kat asked, "what are you really doing here, Gabriel? I sincerely doubt it's just dinner for a day you know I don't celebrate."

"Gimme some credit, Kat." He sauntered over, eyeing Chris before he leaned in to kiss her. Kat gripped Chris's fingers tighter, but she leaned into the kiss, eyes closed and face upturned. "The Cadet and I just wanted to give you a birthday night to remember."

Chris could see how Kat's face lit first with surprise and then desire. Jealousy was a natural reaction, and Chris was prepared for it. What he wasn't expecting was the desire that welled up in him from just seeing the way she pressed her body into Lorca's. When the kiss broke and Kat turned back to him, she was biting her bottom lip. 

"Are you sure?" she asked. Kat's face was luminous, open, and Chris couldn't possibly say no. He didn't want to. He squeezed her hand before bringing it to his lips, kissing her fingers. 

"Of course," he whispered before kissing her, taking his time, perhaps letting himself be a bit territorial. As if to prove himself, when the kiss broke, Chris turned to Gabe and began to kiss him just as fluidly as he had Kat. Hearing her sharp intake of breath when their lips met erased any doubt in his mind. 

"Attaboy," Lorca whispered so only Chris could hear. 

They followed Kat into the bedroom, and when she sat on the end of the bed, she was composed. Chris couldn't help but be reminded of taking her class. He glanced at Lorca, whose face was smug. At least someone knew where this was going. 

"We need to set ground rules before either of you get too excited."

Lorca chuckled. "As much as we both appreciate your professional courtesies, Kat, I think we can dispense with rules for a night."

Kat glanced at Chris for confirmation. He trusted her, and she trusted Lorca. The rest he was going to have to take as it came, but she had never been quite so clinical about sex with him. She stood again and paused, as if appraising them both. A slow, warm smile spread across her face. 

"Okay. I'll be back then."

As soon as the bathroom door closed behind her, Chris turned to Lorca, his eyebrows raised. "No rules? What does that even mean."

"You know Kat--likes to dot her i's and cross her t's. Besides, there's only so much three humans can get up to together. Listen," he said turning toward Chris, looking him dead in the eye, "she wouldn't do anything irresponsible and neither would I." Lorca pulled off his undershirt and tossed it onto a chair. "She knows what you like. And we both know what she likes." The implication that Chris wouldn't be there if he didn't hung in the air. 

Regardless of his mind, Chris's dick was certainly willing, and Lorca had noticed his erection as Chris watched him finish undressing. The bathroom door opened, revealing Kat completely naked, and even more alluring was how utterly unselfconscious she was when she walked toward them. He'd been looking forward to peeling her dress off of her, but it was hard to be disappointed as she wrapped her arms around his neck, toying with his hair. 

"You're really sure?"

Chris kissed her. "I'm sure."

"Get naked or get out, then," Lorca said, affable as he ran his palm down Kat's hip to squeeze her ass. 

"Be good," Kat said over her shoulder. She turned back to Chris, running her hands underneath his shirt and helping him pull it off. Having her between them, with Lorca kissing her neck and Chris nipping her earlobe was intoxicating. He and Gabriel locked eyes again, and with a slight nod, Chris sealed their silent agreement to give Kat everything she wanted.

"You like it when I'm bad."

Chris felt Kat press her hips into him. She was smirking as she snaked her arm around Lorca's neck and tilted her chin so he could kiss her. They had made love enough times that Chris thought he wouldn't be surprised. She was intense, focused, utterly devoted to squeezing every drop of pleasure she could from him. And while he had seen hints of something lighter, he'd never seen her quite so playful. 

"Are we going to stand here all night," Kat's voice was low, "or are you both going to take me to bed?"

"Oh, is that what you want? You want us to take you to bed?" Lorca murmured as he turned her in Chris's arms. His pale eyes were playful, yet challenging, and Chris could see that this was a game between them--a game they were both very adept at playing. Chris knew she could feel his erection against the small of her back; he knew she was pushing into him intentionally as he rubbed circles on her hips with his thumbs. 

Lorca rolled her nipples between his fingertips, his touch, Chris could tell, was delicate. It made her shudder. Chris kissed underneath her ear then dipped his head to suck and bite the tender skin just where her collar would cover it. He could feel the tension in Kat's body, at her losing battle not to squirm. 

"That bed?" Lorca teased. 

Kat wrapped her hand around the shaft of Lorca's cock. "You think you can do this somewhere else?"

"Now, that sounds like a challenge to me," Lorca said as he thrust into her hand. 

Chris let them spar verbally. He didn't know how to read Lorca, how to interpret Kat's signals in this. But he didn't want to disappoint her, and he was painfully hard against her back. She leaned her weight against his chest, pulling Lorca with her so that he and Chris met in a kiss. Kat slipped from between them, but Chris could feel her eyes on them both. She was biting her bottom lip when Chris glanced at her after the kiss broke. But he couldn't focus on Kat's face. He felt Lorca's hands on his ass.

"Gabriel." Kat's voice was low. It was a command without being a command, Chris realized, and the look they exchanged was a language he couldn't decipher. Kat's smile, though, was everything Chris needed to ground him, to distract him. So, he didn't realize that Lorca had sank to his knees until he felt Lorca's lips wrapping around the head of his cock. 

Chris held out his hand and Kat took it, letting him pull her to him. He wasn't at all surprised that Lorca was good, too good with his mouth. But between that and Kat's mouth hot against his own, he couldn't think anymore. He knew what Kat wanted, and it didn't take long for Chris to come, moaning into her kiss. 

He ran his fingers through Kat's hair. "I thought this was about you."

While she smiled, it was Lorca who said, "Trust me; that was about her." He leaned forward and his breath was hot in Chris's ear. "And hopefully you can get it up again quick."

Just the sight of Kat made that easy, but when Lorca quickly and quietly explained what he wanted to do, Chris did not need more encouragement.

*****

Kat knew Gabriel was conspiring. He had an uncanny ability to speak in a maddeningly low whisper that made just about anything seem like an excellent idea. It was sexy and so reasoned, and she always found it very difficult not to let herself be led by him. But Chris… It was hard to reconcile the earnestness he brought to sex with Gabriel's forthrightness.

They broke apart, and Chris came to her while Gabriel walked away. Kat raised her eyebrows. Even though Chris's face was placid, cheeks still pink from his orgasm, she could see that his eyes were bright. The corners just crinkled enough to show how he was trying to conceal a smile. 

"What are you two plotting?" she asked, smirking as she wrapped her arms around his neck. 

"I don't plot."

His very good boy persona wasn't a persona at all, and something about that made Kat even hotter, even wetter. "No, but Gabriel does."

"He certainly does." Chris ran his palms around her ribs to her back as Kat leaned up for a kiss. She was slim and had never been particularly delicate but she felt that way underneath his hands. "But as he outranks me, I'm not at liberty to say anything."

"I outrank you both," she said against his lips. "I could order you to tell me."

"That," he said between smiles, chaste kisses, "would put me in an unwinnable ethical quandary, and as our superior, you wouldn't."

"Mm, are you sure about that?" She looked over Chris's shoulder as Gabriel came back. When Kat was about to make a quip about him looking like the cheshire cat, Chris picked her up so that she had to wrap her legs around him. "Chris!"

He carried her to Gabriel, and Kat felt the coolness of the wall on her back, as Chris braced her against it. He fumbled for a moment, not straining against her weight but simply young, and then she felt him push into her cunt. Kat gripped his shoulders, moaning as she thought of their first time. Then she felt Gabriel's touch as he took some of her weight from Chris by slipping between her and the wall. 

As he whispered, "Happy birthday, Kitty," Kat could feel his fingers, slick with lube, gently, carefully opening her. Her body responded with a shudder of delight, and she could hear Chris's breathing hitch. Then Gabriel began to slowly push his cock in, his low moan matching her own. 

Kat lost track of who was kissing her where, of whether they were thrusting together in time or opposite each other. She let herself be swept up in both of them so singularly focused on her pleasure. And when she did come, Kat wasn't sure if she howled or moaned. She could feel Chris's legs shaking, and yet he still carried her to the bed, lying her gently on her back. He laid on his side beside her running his forefinger underneath her breasts and down to her naval while Gabriel cleaned up. 

Gabriel came back with his hands on his hips. Kat's eyes were half lidded as she looked up at him studying them both. "The Cadet's ahead by one, so…" He smirked as he hooked one of Kat's knees over his shoulder. "And on your birthday."

Kat laughed as he playfully bit her thighs. But his tongue was soon between her legs with Chris's on one nipple, then the other. But when she got close, Gabriel switched with Chris, and when he kissed her, Kat tasted herself. They both knew all of her tells, and she couldn't keep her body from betraying her--from the squirming to the hitch in her breath to the whimper she couldn't keep in her throat. But they switched again and once more, pushing her just to the edge before pulling back again. The orgasm came in a slow, hot build that left Kat limp.

*****

Chris loved seeing Kat entirely spent. Her face was so open, so soft, with her blush spreading high up her cheekbones and the usual pink of her lips with a scarlet undertone. He propped himself on his elbow and ran his thumb over her bottom lip. Tasting Kat, seeing her so close time and time again had aroused Chris, and he pressed his erection against her hip.

"I need," she said as she ran her fingers through his hair, "a minute."

"Of course." Chris kissed her jaw. 

"But…" Kat nodded to Lorca, who was simply watching. "I think Gabriel is still behind."

"Kat," Lorca said, smirking, "I didn't know you cared."

It was her turn to smirk, and Chris liked just how wicked she looked. "Who says it's about you?"

Chris watched as Kat found the container of lube Lorca had discarded earlier. He loved her long, thin fingers--feeling them in his hair, in his mouth, wrapped around his cock. And now, he loved watching her tease Lorca, opening him, making him ready for Chris. The way she touched him was playful, almost loving, and Chris felt his neck heat. He stood and grabbed Lorca by the hips, meeting no resistance as he got Lorca bent over the edge of the bed. He glanced at Kat, expectantly, and she raised her eyebrows before taking his cock in her hand and slicking it with lube. 

There was no ceremony. Chris fucked Lorca relentlessly, holding up his hips up so that Kat could stroke Lorca's cock. His grip was bruising, Chris knew, but he didn't care. And even after Lorca came, Chris let himself be selfish, taking two more thrust until he was also finished. Kat flopped onto her back, and Chris could see how her eyes were almost closed. She stretched like a cat before curling in on herself, sated. 

Chris went into the bathroom, and he could hear Gabriel's footsteps behind him. 

"Gonna have a shower and be out of your hair."

"She'd want you to stay."

Lorca chuckled. "She got everything she wanted. I need to get back."

He slipped into the shower while Chris used the sink to clean up. Lorca hummed a tune that Chris didn't recognize, but he was quick about washing and came out toweling off his hair. 

"I told you not to fall for her...and yet, here you are." He shook his head, half smiling. "You're a good sport, Cadet, but surely you can see what's right in front of you."

Chris pulled on a pair of trousers and turned to Lorca, leaning against the counter. "She loves me too. Is that what bothers you, Lorca?"

"She tell you that?" Lorca's laugh was more of a scoff when Chris pursed his lips. 

"That's my business...and hers."

"Chris, from everything she says about you, you'll go far; love is a distraction. I'm just offering some good advice that you'd be wise to take." Chris was about to speak, but Lorca shook his head as he wrapped his towel around his waist. "You think I told you that because I want her. Well, Cadet, I get exactly what I need from Kat in our friendship, and I know better than to ask for more. Her loyalty is first and foremost to Starfleet."

"That could be said for all of us." Chris kept calm, but his jaw was tight. 

"You'll never be a priority." He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

Chris closed his eyes and gripped the edge of the counter as Lorca walked away. When he heard the outer door swish closed, he scrubbed the back of his head. He found Kat curled on the bed where they'd left her, and when he lay down beside her, Chris let his own weariness overtake him.


	6. Chapter 6

Kat wandered into the kitchen wearing one of Chris's tees; the smell of coffee had awoken her, and it didn't surprise her to find Chris actually brewing a pot. She was pleasantly sore and desperately needed a shower. The promise of a fresh cup of coffee, though, pulled her. 

"Gabriel left?"

When he looked up and saw her, Chris smiled. He poured a cup and passed it to her. "Last night."

"Typical." She blew across the surface of the steaming liquid before taking a sip. She crossed the room to the sofa and sat, pulling one of her legs underneath her. It gave her a chance to study Chris for a moment while he poured his own cup. Even though he'd smiled at her, she could see slight signs of tension in his shoulders, his jaw. 

Before he sat beside her, he put his cup down. Chris leaned forward and brushed a piece of her hair behind her ears. "Did you have a good night?"

"Mhm." She caught his hand and twined her fingers through his. "What's wrong?"

Kat fully expected him to admonish her for analyzing him, when instead, he reached for her cup, setting it on the table next to his. He took her other hand. "Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?"

"It's just another day, Chris. Gabriel only makes something out of it because he knows I don't care about celebrating."

He pursed his lips, thinking carefully about what he was going to say next. Kat already didn't like whatever it was going to be. "You could have sent him away."

Kat pulled her hands away and folded them in her lap. "This wasn't at all your idea, was it?"

"No, but…"

"And you weren't enjoying yourself?"

"Of course I did. I thought that much was obvious." He ran one of his hands through the back of his hair. "I just didn't realize how much you two shared."

Kat put both of her feet on the floor. Jealousy was human, and their biological drives had once necessitated it, perhaps. But it wasn't an emotion she easily identified with. Desires were only made complicated by their very humanity. Part of her job was helping people sort through that, but the clinical distance she needed here would only hurt Chris. The less reasoned part of her, though, found it infuriating; it seemed, whether they would admit it or not, men had not outgrown their innate need to possess their lovers. "What am I missing here, Chris? Gabriel proposed a plan, and you agreed to it. If you weren't comfortable, you shouldn't have agreed. I gave you multiple chances to call the whole thing off."

"It's not about that." He was very good at holding his anger in check, and it was a skill that would serve him well if he continued to refine it. "I was a willing and eager participant, and seeing you so happy...I wouldn't take it back. This is about Lorca. Jesus, Kat, he knows everything about you, us… There are some things I thought were sacred, just between you and me."

"It's very clear," she began slowly, "that the trust I thought we had is virtually nonexistent."

"Trust?" His eyebrows shot up before he stood, putting his hands on his hips as he paced. 

"You think I'm running to Gabriel after every time we have sex and telling him all the details? This isn't middle school, Chris. He is my best friend, and you went into this knowing how much I value that relationship. But I can't even trust you to tell me the truth when I ask you point blank whether you want to have a threesome."

"You won't even tell me you love me, Kat, when I know you do. Is that trust?"

Kat felt not only her cheeks but also her chest flushing. "You want words? You want some meaningless declaration of my devotion, so you can, what?" Kat got up. She made no attempt to control the volume of her voice. She told herself that love made her claustrophobic because for her, there was no difference between claustrophobia and complacency. Summer had long passed and yet he still kept pulling her back into his orbit. Only, unlike Gabriel, he never wanted to let her go again. "Possess me?"

"Damnit, Kat. Is that really what you think of me?" If she had kicked a puppy, it wouldn't have looked half as wounded, which only made Kat angrier.

"I honestly don't know what to think of you, right now. You say you love me, and yet you constantly push for more than I can possibly give you. There will always be a galaxy, a ship, a promotion between us. There will always be too much risk and not enough time. My career has all of my devotion, Chris." She crossed her arms, holding her own elbows as she walked to the window. It was easier when she had her back to him. "Accept what I can give, or we can end this."

She heard him sigh, and a moment later, he had his arms around her as he hooked his chin over her shoulder. "I just need to know that what you can give...a least a piece of it...is just for me."

"No one has the part of me that you," she said quietly, pressing her cheek into his. "And I," she began, unable to keep the smile out of her voice, "spent an entire summer eating eggs when I hate them. But I ate them because you cooked them for me. I wouldn't do that for anyone else."

"You seriously hate eggs?"

"I seriously hate eggs."

He chuckled and kissed her temple. Kat was happy to stay that way for a little while, their coffee getting cold as the second sun was rising. She sighed. "I don't tell Gabriel everything; he just...manages to find out."

"He said he paid someone to hack your Academy file to get your birth date."

She shook her head. "I'm not surprised. Further proof that he doesn't tell me everything either."

"I don't get what you see in him."

Kat made no effort to compose herself or hide her irritation as she turned to him. "I'm only going to ask you this once, Chris. Is this going to be about Gabriel and me? Or me and you?"

He drew in a deep breath, and for a fraction of a moment, Kat thought he was going to let her go, to walk away. Instead, he looked up and let it out slowly before kissing her. "I'm only human, Kat."

"Sit," she said firmly as she pulled away from him. 

Kat went to the coffee table and took both of their mugs so she could reheat them. It was an excuse to collect her thoughts. Gabriel dug to learn more about her because she kept her past close. Family could be as much a vulnerability as lovers. She tugged at the hem of his shirt as she sat down again after handing him his mug. 

"I didn't grow up the way you did," she began.

"Yeah, I get that Chicago and Mojave aren't exactly the same."

"You wanna keep up the witty commentary or actually shut up and let me tell you things about myself?"

"Sorry…" He smirked. "Sir."

Kat rolled her eyes as she took a long sip of the coffee. Somehow it never tasted the same after it had been reheated. "You talk about your grandparents a lot. I can tell family means a lot to you, even if things weren't always easy between you and your father."

"Sure, but I know your mom means a lot to you."

"Moms," she corrected, taking another sip of the coffee before holding the mug with both hands. "Three of them, actually. Plus, two fathers, though one of them died when I was a baby." He was silent, and Kat wasn't sure if that was because he didn't know what to say or he was simply waiting to hear more. "They were all _together_ in some way or another."

"Wow, that's…"

"More common in some cultures than it is for humans," she finished pointedly. "It was," she cocked her head, searching for the word, "joyful to have so much love as a kid--not just theirs for me but for each other too."

"Seems like it would also involve a lot of expectations."

She leaned her head against the back of the sofa and groaned. "You have no idea."

"So, I…" Chris shifted, and when Kat looked up, she could see he was having a little war with his own thoughts. 

"If you want to ask questions, now's the time."

"How did that work? You've never mentioned siblings, either."

"Mom, Mor, and my dad were in a triad. He was a Starfleet officer, actually; there was an accident when I was three." She shrugged. 

"I'm sorry, Kat," he said, putting his hand on her knee. 

"I don't remember it or him, mostly. There were plenty of adults. Daddy, Dad, and Mor were also a triad, and Daddy was Mom's best friend. I was honestly never sure if they had been lovers at some point, but Daddy ended up being exclusive with Uncle Frank when I was a teenager. And my other mother, Celia had an asexual relationship with Mor. There were aunts and uncles, but that was the core unit, and, "she said as she shrugged, "when my father died they all just...focused on each other and me."

Chris put his mug on the table and leaned back. "That is...way more than I would ever want to know about my parents' sex life."

"That's because you're a prude." She smirked. 

"Was I a prude last night?" They both laughed, and Kat pulled her feet up, resting them in his lap with her ankles crossed. "So, you never really saw a stable relationship."

"Chris, it's impossible to maintain those kinds of ties and raise a child without having a stable relationship with everyone involved." She could see the change in his face immediately at how serious her tone had gotten. "They chose each other again and again. It's no different than your parents marrying."

"No, you're right. I should have chosen my words more carefully."

Kat was satisfied with that because she knew he'd actually think about what she said. His ability to alter his own perceptions was one of his best qualities; it would serve him well. He took one of her feet and started to massage it as he asked, "Are they all still together?"

"Mor passed away a few years ago; she was at least twenty years older than them all. Like I said, Daddy and Uncle Frank are monogamous now, and as far as I know, Mom and Celia are no more than friends."

"That seems sad," he said quietly as he moved to her other foot. 

"It's only sad if you see a relationship as a static thing with...some kind of permanent togetherness as the ultimate goal."

"Is that Doctor Katrina Cornwell or Lieutenant Katrina Cornwell talking. I can't tell."

"Just Kat," she said softly, smiling, more relaxed now. 

He let go of her feet and crawled on top of her, smile playful. "My favorite one," he murmured as he kissed her. 

"They certainly wouldn't have approved of this," she teased.

"Or this, I'd imagine," he murmured, running his hand up her shirt and palming one of her breasts. Kat let her coffee drop from her hand, not caring that it would spill.

"Or that." Kat wrapped one leg around his hip. 

"Lots of parents, lots of punishments."

Kat laughed. "What makes you think I wasn't impeccably behaved?"

Chris laughed, and Kat felt relief tinged with desire. She didn't know if he completely understood, but maybe Chris would step back and let her be what she was.

*****

**Personal Log: Commander Katrina Cornwell**  
 _Chris was assigned as a test pilot and graduated with honors. He'll do well. I have less time as an executive officer, but he'll have less time now too._

*****

Diplomatic receptions were always a mixed bag of duty and enjoyment for Kat. She had the responsibility to make sure their guests were comfortable and her staff stayed on top of things--which was to say that her responsibility was to make her captain look good. But she also found that old acquaintances had a way of showing up. Hardly anyone she knew made Academy class reunions; this was the next best thing.

The _Antares_ had been tasked with transporting one of the parties, but Kat had been focused on coordinating Federation negotiators with both parties. Chris was the ship's pilot, so she didn't expect to see him, and yet he was across the room in full dress uniform. He was handsome enough to make her catch her breath, but Kat had too much to do to engage. 

He found her, though, later in the night when hiccups were less likely, He nodded from across the room before making his way over to her, standing with his hands clasped behind his back. 

"Commander Cornwell, it's a pleasure to see you." His face was so serious, but she could see the laughter and delight in his eyes. 

"Likewise, Lieutenant." 

"Would you do me the honor of a dance?"

Kat couldn't say no. Dance as a sacred pastime was the only thing the two species they were hosting had in common. She took his outstretched hand. Of course he'd chosen a waltz as the time to come over and ask. 

"How'd you manage to get an invite to a reception for senior officers?" she asked as they began.

"The XO finds me affable." Out of the corner of her eye, Kat could see his slight smirk. "Stop trying to lead."

Kat pursed her lips. She'd done it without thinking. "I'm glad you're doing well, Chris."

He smiled. "You look beautiful."

"Don't do that here." Kat knew she had to be firm. His hand fit so perfectly on her waist, and she wanted to put her cheek against his. 

"Later then. We're docked with each other until tomorrow."

"Chris…"

She didn't tell him no, and when he turned up at her door four hours later, Kat pulled him inside quickly, partially because she worried someone would see him and mostly because she wanted to get her hands on him. It had been so long with so many impossibilities, even though Chris never stopped trying. Kat wanted to savor the night without thinking of what he would take away from it and without examining her own feelings more closely.

*****

**Personal Log: Lieutenant Commander Christopher Pike**  
 _Rumor is that Kat is getting a command. She hasn't taken a shoreleave in eighteen months; I know because I keep pushing to try to coordinate them, even for a day. We've both been busy. My own transfer is coming up soon._

*****

During a short stint at starbase, Kat agreed to take on personnel and supplies meant for a Federation transport that had been delayed. The rendezvous was practically right on the _Ingersol_ 's path to their next assignment. It helped that one of the Starfleet officers being transferred was Gabriel Lorca. Though, Kat hadn't been able to meet him when he came aboard. By the time she got back to her quarters for the evening, she wasn't surprised to find him there.

Kat shook her head, smiling, as she took off her jacket and laid it across a chair. "That's a misuse of your skills as a security chief."

"Good thing I'm not a security chief anymore, then." He came toward her holding out a glass of her own barrel aged bourbon--the one she used for special occasions--and as she took it, Gabe kissed her cheek. "It's good to finally get a look at this bucket of bolts."

"Last time I checked, you were the one serving on a Drexler class frigate that's...how old is the _Helios_ again. Lt. Commander? I can't remember."

"Alright, alright." He clinked his glass against hers. "You win, Captain Cornwell."

They sat down together on the sofa, knees touching. As always, it was like no time had passed when it had actually been years since they were on the same ship, let alone in the same room. Kat grinned before taking a long sip of her drink. "That transport is going to Tarsus IV. Why the hell are you going to be on it?"

"You're looking at the new commander of the outpost."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm telling you right now."

Kat cocked her head. It was an unusual choice, and she knew he hadn't told her before the orders came through because she would have questioned it. "That's one way to get a command."

"Don't be an ass." He leaned back, arm stretched out over the back of the sofa. "This is a surefire way to jump to captain."

"Sure, but it puts you out of space...for god knows how long."

"It won't be long. And I need a break from space." He knocked back most of his glass and topped up. "It'll be a year, maybe a year and a half of routine administrative work. Then it'll be done and I can get on with my career."

"Ticking off all the boxes on your resume?" Kat smirked. 

"Somethin' like that. Hell, Kat, you went from lieutenant JG to captain in seven years. Not all of us are so lucky."

"You more than anyone else know none of it was luck." She took the bottle and refilled her own glass. "Careful, Gabriel. If I were anyone else I might think you were starting to sound jealous."

"Damn right I'm jealous." But his grin was easy, boyish. That part of him never really changed.

"It's a test, you know. Don't fuck up the small details, and you can probably handle sitting in the chair." She leaned back, lifting her feet and crossing her ankles on his lap for only a minute before he pushed them off getting up. 

Gabriel sat back down behind her, pulling her back against his chest. "I can handle it."

"I know." Kat relaxed, maybe for the first time in weeks. Her command was still new, but she felt the weight of it every moment. And she was proud to bear that weight. Gabriel would do well with command. He wanted it as much as she had; he'd worked just as hard, only differently. 

"So, have you outgrown me yet, Captain?" he said, teasing. 

Kat laughed. She sat up and pulled him to her by his tunic, meeting him in a playful kiss. "Probably."

Kat wound up straddling his lap. When they came together after a long absence, it was always more frantic; there was a haze of hormones and urgency. They learned each other's bodies again and quickly. Their little competitions--who could make whom come faster, who could remember the other's favorite thing--came back naturally. And by the time they were both sated, Kat had burns on her knees from the upholstery, and Gabriel's hair was damp with sweat. 

She stretched out on the sofa while he slid to the floor, and a companionable silence fell between them. That was always the same too. 

"So," he said as she was almost asleep, "Chris, huh?"

Kat was instantly awake, body tensing. "What?"

"You said his name. Moaned it, actually."

"I did not." Kat rolled onto her stomach to look down at him. As she suspected, his eyes were bright with mischief. And her heart was racing. It had been months since she'd seen Chris, months since they'd fallen into bed together and she'd made no promises about when it would happen again. 

"You most certainly did." He chuckled through her silence. "I don't care, Kat. I just didn't realize you were still seeing him."

"I'm not," she groaned. "It's…" Kat shook her head. "You and I are not going to talk about this."

"How about not talking to me about it in bed?"

Kat laughed humorlessly. He was giving her an out, but then again, Gabriel always did. And Chris loved her, and each time he let her go, Kat knew it was with the expectation that she would come back to him. And the fact that her mind stayed with him, that she found herself back in his arms again, no matter how long it took, was dangerous. 

Kat crawled into bed behind Gabriel and they lay back to back. There was no ceremony to it; they both preferred it that way. She started to drift to sleep knowing her heart called Chris's name and that letting her guard down that way was unacceptable. 

"You love him?"

Kat sighed and put her hands underneath her pillow. "What do you think?" It came out harsher than Kat intended. The afterglow was fading as the familiar feeling of weariness crept back in. 

"Doesn't matter. You started on your path a long time ago."

Kat was silent. She focused on the beating of her heart, the sound of her own breath and Gabriel's. She let it ground her. Their paths crossed again and again, but they both forged ahead. But Chris...Kat squeezed her eyes tighter. It was too easy to see falling back into him and never letting go. 

"Of course I love him," Kat said softly. But Gabriel had fallen asleep.

*****

**Personal Log: Captain Katrina Cornwell**  
 _New orders after this away mission. Had a message from Gabe about the ordeal on Tarsus, as if there hadn't been chatter on subspace for weeks. Of course they gave him a ship. And Chris--XO of his own ship. Not surprising. We've all become very far flung._


	7. Chapter 7

The persistent soft beeping of sickbay equipment finally registered in Kat's mind. She clung to it, trying to pull herself out of what seemed like endless sleep only to hit a wall of pain. She screamed, but her own voice seemed distant, though closer than the other voices saying words that she couldn't quite grasp. She felt the distinct press and release of a hypospray at her neck, and then it was darkness and silence again. 

It was the sound of her own heartbeat that woke Kat next. She tried to steady her breathing because she was trying to clench her fists and they weren't moving. 

"Kat…"

She focused on the voice as she opened her eyes. Kat tried to say his name, but her throat was dry. 

"Kat, calm down. You're on Starbase Eleven; it's okay; it's the anesthesia wearing off."

"Chris." She fought to swallow. "Why?"

"Your away team was ambushed by a semi-sentient predator, and you caught the brunt of its attack. Jesus, Kat, I know it's a sacred animal, but you nearly died. Starfleet regulations allow for..."

"Why are you here?"

"The _Chatelet_ is here undergoing upgrades to the power couplings in our warp core, it was chance, but… Kat, I could have lost you."

She clenched her fists and then splayed her fingers out over the thin blanket. That's when Kat felt his fingers gently taking hers, and she felt instantly grounded. She hated how easy it was to be comforted just by his touch. 

"You should rest." He touched her cheek gently. 

"I need," she said, struggling up on her elbows, "to get back to work." Kat almost shuddered as she remembered the moments before the away mission went wrong. It had been important without being critical. Getting back to her duties was paramount, and if Kat didn't hold that in her mind, she knew she would let herself fall into Chris all over again. 

"You are in no way fit for duty. Please," he said, gently pushing her back as he bent to kiss her. "Your crew needs it's captain in better shape."

"Don't...Chris, don't." 

"Don't what?" His voice was soft. 

"Don't pull me back to you. it's…" Kat shook her head as if to clear away the words she left unsaid.

He furrowed his brow, but his eyes were still so bright, so hopeful as he perched on the bed and gingerly took her in his arms. "I've never stopped loving you, Kat."

And she wondered if he ever would. "Chris…" 

"Now isn't the time to talk." He kissed her forehead. "You need rest."

He was right in that Kat was too tired to argue, and she was too tired to deny herself the comfort that his embrace brought with it. By the time she was discharged, the _Ingersol_ was out of viable shuttle range--not uncommon, and she was pleased that her crew was continuing to work hard. But when she learned that the _Chatelet_ 's repairs were complete and it would be delivering her to her ship, it was difficult for Kat to keep herself composed. 

"I appreciate the gesture, Captain Kimathi, but I would hate to pull you and your crew away from mission," she said over comms.

"Not at all, Captain Cornwell. Your CMO put in a request to refresh your medical supplies, and we're the closest ship at starbase who can deliver. We'll all be pleased to have you on board."

"Thank you, Absko. I'll come aboard presently."

"I'll send my first officer to escort you. Kimathi out."

When the door of her temporary quarters chimed and opened twenty minutes later to reveal Chris standing at attention, Kat had to bite her cheeks not to smile. It was no surprise to see the change in him when he was on duty. That careful command of his own body was a skill that came naturally to him. It was just one of the many little things that made him into a truly exemplary officer. Kat wasn't ashamed of how carefully she followed his career, even more stringently than she was about communicating with him directly. 

"Captain, your quarters on the _Chatelet_ are ready for you."

She clasped her hands behind her back. "Thank you, Commander."

"At your leisure, Sir." He stepped aside and they fell into step together as they made their way to the docking bay. 

"It was generous of your captain to act as courrier." Kat knew it wasn't fair to engage him in this conversation while he was on duty. Chris would have the grace not to let the familiar creep in, and if their roles were reversed, he wouldn't have taken advantage of her that way. But this saved her from blowing up at him later. 

"Our orders take us to an asteroid belt not too far from the _Ingersol_ 's position. It's a course deviation that won't cost more than half a day."

"I'm aware." She glanced up at him. "And I'm sure he was grateful to his XO for pointing that out." 

"The captain is always happy to help a fellow officer in need." His face did not change, and Kat couldn't help the pride she felt welling in her chest. 

"Indeed, Commander."

They walked in silence, Chris taking it more slowly than Kat thought she needed--but she was sure the medical report the Station's CMO would be sending to hers already noted what a quarrelsome patient she was. He left her in her new quarters with an update when the ship would be departing and an invitation to join the captain in his ready room. Kat didn't ask when Chris would be off duty because she knew he would turn up then.

*****

Even if it was just chance that had Chris's ship docked for repairs when Kat's medical transport came in, he chose to believe in something greater than that. Those at the forefront of the Federation and Starfleet's exploratory efforts put their lives in harm's way often. It was a risk they accepted; it was a factor in every personal relationship they formed. He could do his duty knowing that, but that made it no less difficult to reconcile his feelings when station chatter brought him news of Kat's injuries.

She didn't need him to take care of her; she made it clear that she didn't want him to. And yet, Chris wanted to just hold onto her, to remind himself that she was real, that she was alright. And that reassurance--seeing her on shore leave, the utilitarian messages she sent him--had always been enough for him. 

He quickly changed his clothes in his quarters and was about to leave when his console lit up. Chris bit back a sigh and slid into the chair. 

"This is Pike."

"You're looking very casual, Commander."

Chris broke into a wide grin. "Hello, Pippa."

Her smile was more reserved, but Chris could see her joy at getting to talk in her eyes. They'd had too long a spate of just exchanging recorded messages. "I heard a rumor…"

"Yes, Kat is onboard," he finished. But Pippa merely raised her eyebrows.

"The rumor was that you're getting a commendation for bravery for that incident planetside a month ago. But what is Kat Cornwell doing on your ship?"

That was news to him, but Pippa always had a way of being the first to know things. "She was injured pretty badly on an away mission."

"Ah." a mischievous glint came into her eyes, one he recognized well from their Academy days. "And you've come to the rescue? That is certainly a cosmic coincidence."

"Not quite." He rubbed his chin. "But we were at starbase for repairs when she was brought in."

"My comment stands." 

"I heard you're angling for command of the _Ares_."

"You know how these things go. Names are thrown around on subspace before Starfleet gives it to someone who has been an XO too long."

Her deflection was typical. Chris knew she was a desirable candidate for command, and he would be happy to see it come to her. "It's really good to see your face, Pippa."

"Yours too, Chris. Tell Captain Cornwell hello, and…" She shook her head as if she were stopping herself from saying something. "Good luck on that commendation." 

He closed the channel and stood. Where he knew that Kat and Lorca were openly competitive about their careers in a way specific to their own particular friendship, he tried to measure himself against Starfleet ideals rather than his peers. Chris would be genuinely glad when Pippa was given a command, just as he would feel humbled if he got his own.

*****

Kat programmed the door to let Chris in without needing to chime. She valued her privacy, but it was an old habit she found herself falling into, only noticing when she was almost done. Downtime had never been her strong suit, so when the whoosh of the door signaled that he was there, she was working on reviewing her crew's reports to Starfleet about the away mission incident.

Kat was silent, and the truth was that she didn't trust herself to look up. All the days he'd come into her little study on Earth came flooding back to her, and Kat feared feeling that kind of contentment again. He put his hands on her shoulders, and Kat drew in a silent breath before she looked up, half a beat stretching between them before he kissed her. 

"How are you feeling?"

"I would be feeling better if you'd stop asking me that."

He smiled at that and kissed her again. "Yes, Captain." 

Kat stood and wrapped her arms around him. With Chris right in front of her, restraint became more difficult. She hadn't thought that she would die on the away mission, even in the moment of the attack when she put herself in front of her team. The romantic thing would have been Chris's face coming to mind as she clung to life. The romantic thing was rarely the true thing. But seeing him there when she woke wrenched her heart with desire. 

"We'll rendezvous with the _Ingersol_ in a few hours."

"We should make the best of them, then," she murmured, tilting her chin for another kiss, expecting it to be deep and long, a way to forget that she would leave. Instead, Chris took her face in his hands. Kat turned into his right hand and kissed his palm.

"I know neither of us is going to change, and I'd never ask that of you just like you wouldn't of me. I thought I was going to lose you."

"But you didn't. This is what we do, Chris. It's why we…"

"Marry me, Kat."

She felt as if her breath had been knocked out of her. "Excuse me?"

"Marry me. Hell, Kat, we could have it done before you transport back to your ship." That boyish smirk of hope lit his face making Kat want to scream. She dared not breathe lest she crack into a thousand pieces. But he put his forehead to hers. "I have never loved anyone the way I love you."

Kat put her palm flat on his chest, pulling her face back. She wanted to curl her fingers into his tunic and pull him closer. But pulling him close was never letting go, and that was the slow death of her career and possibly his. "Love is a choice...I can't make right now."

"This isn't therapy. I'm not one of your patients."

She pulled away from him, perhaps more viciously than she meant. But where her actions were too strong, Kat knew she could keep her words calmer. "You are on the _cusp_ of making captain. You are one of the…" She clenched her fists. "No, Chris. We both have our careers. Attachments like that..." she said, putting her hand up to preemptively stop him from speaking, "Success means not creating vulnerabilities."

"I would never stop you…"

"No, but would you stop yourself? Slow yourself down?" Kat turned from him and wrapped one arm around herself. She chewed at her thumbnail to keep from saying more. 

"No, No I would not." Even when he was indigent, his voice held quiet authority. She heard his soft steps on the carpet and felt his hands on her hips, firm just like the first time they had been together. Kat let herself be turned around. "Stop making me ask you to let me love you. Let me…"

Kat grabbed the back of his head, fingers sinking into his dark hair, and she kissed him hard, swallowing whatever he would say next. She let out a yelp of surprise when he swept her up in his arms. Kat didn't stop him. She knew she should have stopped him. She didn't fight his crushing kiss, and she didn't fight the tender way he laid her down on the bed. She let her resolve fade quietly into her reserves in favor of desire. 

They didn't need to speak. Kat fumbled with his trousers as he pulled hers off. In undressing, they became a tangle of limbs, and he didn't wait once Kat had wrapped her legs around him, squeezing his hips between her thighs. He pushed into her. Each thrust was a show of force, his blunt argument inside of her. And her body was party to it, welcoming him with her wetness. 

Kat clung to his shoulders, leaving indents with her blunt nails. She urged him deeper with her heels. It was easy to flip him onto his back, and if it surprised Chris, he didn't show it. Kat rose above him as she took him deeper into her pussy, feeling him the way she really wanted to. He caught her wrists and pulled her down to kiss him as she wound her hips in half moons, taking what she needed.

He was so close. Kat could feel him trembling, his cock solid inside of her. She knew he would want to wait, to get off on her pleasure, but she looked him in the eyes as she rocked her hips back and forth, her lips a tight line of determination. His shudder came before he cried out and closed his eyes, finally breaking eye contact. Kat pressed her chest to his, holding him close. She put her fingers on his lips, and they stayed that way as her skin prickled into gooseflesh and his breathing deepened in sleep. 

When he woke, she would be gone. Kat knew that was what she had to do, less for him than for herself. Because if he spoke, if he looked into her eyes again and told her he loved her, she wouldn't refuse him. It wasn't fair, but it was a choice.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: Dubious consent later in the chapter.

**Personal Log: Rear Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
_The most satisfying thing about my promotion is getting to be smug with Gabriel in person. Indulging in a moment of immaturity aside, I'm very pleased, and I'm that much more aware that I can't become complacent. It is possible to change the makeup of the command structure._

*****

It was good to be back on Earth, but en route, Kat realized she didn't think of it as home nearly as often anymore. She turned from the view in her guest quarters to Gabriel pouring whiskey into two glasses. Kat took hers and inhaled the scent deeply. Academy days with their long nights of work and little delights came back to her memory in full force.

"What should we toast to?" she asked as he sat on the sofa beside her. 

"To you," he said, raising his glass and grinning, "Rear Admiral."

Kat rolled her eyes but clinked her glass against his anyway. "The only reason you came to the ceremony is because it let you get back here and replenish your stash of this." She took a long drink, enjoying the burn. 

"Well, that was a perk."

Kat pulled her knees onto the sofa and tucked one of her legs underneath her. "You'll be here soon enough."

"Maybe, but you're one step closer to Vice Admiral."

She paused with her glass nearly to her lips. It was difficult to hide the smile. "We'll see."

"At any rate, you always did like outranking me."

Kat let herself laugh. She felt her shoulders relax, and she didn't try to straighten them. It had been over a year since the two of them had been in the same room together. That wasn't a luxury either of them was going to take for granted. But Kat enjoyed the ease with which they slipped back into old habits. The weight of their friendship felt good. 

"You hear Bob April is stepping down from command of the _Enterprise_?"

"Mmhm." She let him top her off as he refilled his own glass. 

"Scuttlebut is that Chris Pike is going to be given the position." He looked at her expectantly, but Kat merely took another long pull of whiskey. "But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"I don't know why you'd think I would."

"You were always shit at playing coy, Kat."

"He's an exemplary officer."

"That he is." Gabe leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees and holding his glass with both hands. "And he's really put his head down and done the work these past few years." Kat gave him a warning look, but he'd never paid attention to those before. "I think you damn near broke his heart."

"Stop it." _It was the only way_ was what Kat wanted to say. But she wouldn't. She didn't need to explain herself. Kat leaned towards him, forcing herself to smile. "You'd know about leaving broken hearts more than I would."

"Now, that's just unfair."

"Are we going to go to bed or are you going to keep pushing my buttons?"

"You like it when I push your buttons," he said, smirking as he leaned forward for a kiss that Kat obliged. After a moment, he pulled away, took her glass and set it on the table along with his own. "That's less enthusiasm than I expected from the woman who just asked me to hop in bed with her."

Kat sighed. She moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder when he put his arm around her. Moments this tender were few for them, but they knew each other well enough to know when they were warranted. 

"Kat, you did the right thing. And the fact that it still stings, even now...that's just the part of you that knows how hard it is to make that choice over and over."

"I thought I was the doctor."

"If you want me to play doctor, I can certainly oblige."

Kat laughed softly. Ever steady was their friendship, and right now, she clung to that. She got up and headed toward the bedroom, glancing over her shoulder as if to tell him that they were too old to be fucking on the sofa like cadets.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _It's difficult to reconcile the wide-eyed idealism of the Federation and Starfleet with a war that is already more brutal than anything within my own lifetime. And yet, it is imperative that a piece of that idealism survives this even if we do not._

*****

Chris had already made up his mind that when the _Enterprise_ returned to dock at the close of this five year mission, he was having the holo emitters taken out. The damn things weren't even a necessity, and they gave him more trouble than seeing a pencil pusher at Starfleet Command in three dimensions was worth. He said a silent prayer that they would hold out, though, when it was Kat who appeared in front of him.

She stood, hands clasped behind her back, face placid as always. He swallowed hard at the twist of pain he felt in his heart, like picking at a scar that already didn't want to heal. Even though he never stopped following her career, never stopped writing to her, Chris hadn't seen Kat since that day she left him sleeping in her guest quarters on the _Chatelet_. He'd known even before he was fully conscious that she was gone, really gone. 

"Admiral," he said, standing, but she waved him back into his seat. 

"Captain Pike." The formality hurt even though Chris expected nothing less. She continued, "I wish I were contacting you under better circumstances."

"We've been briefed on the situation, and the _Enterprise_ is prepared to begin our return journey at maximum warp."

"The _Enterprise_ will stay on mission."

"I beg your pardon…" Chris was on his feet again and rounding his desk to stand in front of her. "This ship is unmatched in…"

"Your orders, Captain, are to continue with your mission, reporting as usual. Starfleet will be best served by you and your crew doing what you do best."

It was war, and even outside of that communiques like this were monitored. Chris warred with himself. He wanted to take her by the shoulders to ask her why, even to shake her. Instead, he clasped his hands behind his back, mirroring her posture. 

"Kat, you of all people know how hard this is going to be on my crew."

She set her lips. Chris knew the look all too well. There were things she wasn't saying, things he knew she wouldn't say. "This war is going to be hard on us all. Keep them focused on staying at their best. What they are doing is important."

He nodded. She looked tired, but that was hardly surprising. And still, she was beautiful, more beautiful than the first time they'd met. He wanted to kiss the lines at the corners of her eyes. But Chris drew in and let out a deep breath. "Forgive me for questioning orders, Admiral, but this is…"

"I know it won't be easy, Chris. But we have faith in you."

The smile she gave him before ending the transmission was strained. _We_ , Chris thought, not _I_. He sank into a chair and rubbed his forehead. He'd need to compose a shipwide message for the crew, monitor morale, which was already slipping since news of the war broke. But he needed a moment, just a moment to wonder why him.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _Gabriel is alive--probably worse for him than the alternative._

*****

Kat did not recuse herself from the inquiry. Her position already afforded little room for personal feelings, and war made even less of that. The obvious assumption was that Gabriel Lorca was a traitor. It hurt to begin from that point. Needs must, and the needs of Starfleet and the Federation would always be paramount. Gabe was no traitor, and Kat knew it, but that almost made it worse for him. What captain wouldn't go down with their ship? What captain would orchestrate such a tragedy and survive?

She stood beside Admiral Terral reviewing the results of his psych evaluations. Kat did not watch while they were being conducted. Somehow, he would have known she was there. 

"You do not seem convinced of the results."

Kat pursed her lips. "The methods are sound, but…"

"Not infallible." 

"No. Pretty damn reliable though." She crossed her arms, using the silence to choose her next words carefully. "Under normal circumstances, my recommendation would be to wait, administer the tests again. But Lorca is one of our most highly decorated captains, and we can't afford to sideline him."

"I concur. That is why I have recommended to Command that Captain Lorca be considered for the _Discovery_."

Kat turned to him, cocking her head. "The _Discovery_ is a science vessel."

"Indeed, but I believe the captain's tactical experience may provide useful in utilizing the ship's unique propulsion system.

"If they get it working properly." Kat's voice was flat. 

Terral nodded, his face as unreadable as ever. Any misgivings that lingered in Kat's mind were for her friend, her confidant, and those had no place in this decision. It was out of her hands. 

Kat gave him his space, but it was only a matter of time before she would be called to another part of the quadrant. She rang the chime on his temporary quarters, self-enforcing a barrier they'd never given themselves. Then the doors opened, his face was stoic, almost grim. And they stood in silence for a beat too long. 

Kat raised her eyebrows. "You're really going to make me keep standing here?"

"Sorry." He shook his head as he stepped aside. "Thought the inquest was over, Admiral."

"And I thought you might want to talk."

"I don't need more therapy." He crossed his arms, but he'd already closed himself off to her. They'd both dealt with traumas, but Kat gave him latitude because something like this demanded it, no matter how long their friendship had been. She sank down onto the sofa and patted the spot beside her; he hesitated before he complied.

"I wanted to give you this myself." She handed over a padd. 

"So, I've been cleared." He looked from the padd to her face, and Kat had never seen his bright eyes so unfocused, so lost. "No orders, though."

"That's a separate briefing, but I won't be here for it."

"They're giving me _Discovery_?"

She raised her eyebrows, genuinely surprised. The true nature of _Discovery_ 's unique asset was classified above general command level. Starfleet couldn't quash every rumor. It was just that Gabriel had never prodded her about it, even teasing. War, though, had made their communications fewer. 

"As an officer, I can't confirm or deny that. But as your friend… Honestly, I'm surprised you wanted it."

"Using that vessel for science, right now, is a crime."

"Gabe…" Kat leaned forward. She almost put her hand on his knee--this had been the longest they'd ever been together privately without touching in some way since they met--but she sensed his desire not to be touched. "If this is about some kind of quest for vengeance…"

"It's about getting back out there, Kat," he said with a finality that invited no dissent. 

"Okay." She stood. "I know the restrictions on subspace are tight right now, but if you need to talk, I'm here."

He squeezed his eyes shut for a beat before standing again. Kat leaned forward and gently kissed his cheek. She didn't take the way he stiffened personally. Gabe might have passed all of his evals, but that didn't mean he wasn't still dealing with his ordeal. The road ahead would be difficult, especially with the twist in his reputation, but she knew they'd find themselves together again like they used to be.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _I might have talked Terral into authorizing the rescue mission if Gabriel had come to me first. Instead, I have to travel halfway across the sector to clean up his goddamned mess. He better be successful in getting Sarek out of this, at least._

*****

His counterpart's personal logs were a source of disappointment; where the official records were meticulous and detailed, Starfleet Captain Gabriel Lorca kept spartan personal logs, often in an antiquated form of shorthand. It was smart; personal records could be weapons in the wrong hands. But it told Lorca nothing of who he was supposed to be over here. So, he took on the mantle of a captain who would see his crew die without him because it kept people away.

The war only made it easier. He could push his crew because he was a driven man, a man looking for redemption. If he left Klingon corpses in the wake, all the better. And getting his hands on Michael Burnham--well, that was a purely personal indulgence. But 'K' showed up in his personal longs regularly, and the distance he put between himself and the admiral was going to become an awkward problem if he didn't figure out how to get rid of her or get her off his ass. 

Bit by bit, he was breaking down the barriers to his return home, and with Katrina Cornwell right in front of him, dressing him down for his deliberate choice to disobey orders, Lorca realized she was going to be one hell of a barrier. But he also recognized something in her. He saw the determination in her eyes and the loyalty she had to Starfleet. His Kat had that loyalty to him. So, he took a calculated risk. 

Lorca told her bluntly that he wanted to stop talking like officers and he put the bottle of scotch firmly on the desk. "...and start talking like friends," Gabriel said.

If it paid off, he could push more, see where the past had taken them because maintaining a safe distance wasn't working. She would keep coming and coming until she broke him down or found out what he really was. Attachment was a weakness, and her attachment to whatever friendship she had had with Gabriel Lorca from this side was becoming a liability.

Her eyes softened. "Not here. God, when did you start keeping such a spartan ready room?"

"Just fewer things to get knocked around," he said as she stepped into the turbolift behind her. Lorca read about her career, how quickly she'd climbed the ranks. Just following rules didn't get someone that far. She'd pushed, and he could guess she knew when to bend rules to suit her and how to psychobabble her way out of repercussions.

*****

Kat couldn't help her small smile; she didn't try. That brightness in his eyes as he propositioned her was the first time she'd seen any sign of the Gabriel Lorca she knew. If she could pull that out of him, help him find a balance, Kat thought maybe it would bring him some peace.

As he stood, he glanced at her badge on the table and let out a short, unsurprised laugh. "That mean I don't have to take orders from you anymore?"

"Since when," she said, smirking and shaking her head as she unzipped her jacket, "have you ever bothered?"

What Kat expected was a little more banter, a little teasing. They weren't young anymore, and the times between seeing each got longer and longer. Romance had never been necessary. Gabriel didn't need to woo her, and Katrina was not one for being coy. But Kat was surprised when he pulled her to him and kissed her roughly. 

She would have been knocked back, but he was holding her hips, fingers bruising. He put one hand on the back of her neck, holding her in the kiss when she tried to pull away. And yet, Kat's body responded immediately with a rush of warmth and wetness, with desire she hadn't felt since before the war. "Gabriel," she gasped when they finally broke, though he still held her against him.

"You really want to keep talking, Kat?" he growled, thrusting his hips into her. Despite herself, Kat pressed into his erection, breath shuddering. His grin was wicked--not playful but nearly feral--Kat reminded herself that he was a harder man now. "That's what I thought."

She raised her eyebrows, but Kat didn't wait to see what he would do next. Instead she pushed him back with her hips, walking them both to the bed. Give and take were at the heart of their relationship; Kat knew he needed to take more than he ever had. But Kat's instinct was to push back, just as she had been pushing back on his reckless behavior. She needed to know he was himself, that he could find himself again even in the middle of a war. 

Instead of folding back onto the bed, pulling her on top of him as Kat had expected, she found herself face down, her wrists behind her back as he held them with one hand. They were too old for this, but Kat bit her tongue. Gabriel pulled off her boots and pants without ceremony. Kat took one shuddering breath after another as she felt him push his hand between her legs, cupping her cunt over her briefs. He pressed his fingers between her vulva until the fabric was wet. 

It had been so long since he had teased her, but the edge of malice in his touch was new. It excited Kat as much as it disturbed her. He let go of her wrists as he pushed her legs apart. Then Kat felt his breath on her skin as he kissed her inner thighs in turn. When he bit the tender skin, she let out a yelp of surprise more than pain. Then he was on her, voice harsh in her ear as he shoved her hands underneath her and then his up her shirt. "Let me hear that again," he said, twisting her niples in his fingers. 

"Don't you dare," she gasped, but he was off her again and pulling off her briefs even as her nipples still stung. 

Gabriel laughed as he lifted her hips and pushed into her even before Kat could get her elbows underneath her. He was relentless, and Kat soon realized that her own pleasure wasn't his concern. She knew exactly what Gabriel liked, exactly how to get him off quickly or to make it tortuously slow. He knew exactly the same for her. Kat put her hand between her legs to stroke her clit. She would finish off when he did, and she would give him this one because she'd shown up unannounced. But this, above anything else, showed her how different he had become. Making her, or any partner, come was something Gabriel had always taken pride in. 

He came with a grunt and a few short thrusts, and Kat was silent as her body shook with her own orgasm. When she got up to clean herself off, Kat watched him slide into bed, shirtless and turn his back to her. That much wasn't unusual. But even though she was sated, it was hard to shake the nagging feeling that everything she knew about him had changed. She crawled into bed beside him and found herself staring at the ceiling as she tried to parse her professional judgment from her personal feelings.


	9. Chapter 9

Bones that Kat didn't know she had were broken and then healed with the aid of cellular regeneration only to be broken again. She had to imagine that torture in centuries past had only been limited by medical capabilities. There were limits, though, to what they could do even now. Though she had to admit that the Kilingons had better medical technology than Starfleet had imagined. 

This was one of the periods where she was dumped unceremoniously in a cell--alone, which was almost worse than being with other Starfleet prisoners. And as her cuts and bruises healed, all Kat had was her thoughts. It was no surprise that Starfleet had not mounted a rescue. She hadn't even bothered to hope. _Discovery_ would have been the obvious choice, and the wise decision was not to risk it. 

In the pain and fatigue, her mind wandered. There was only so much time one could focus on name, rank, and serial number. So, Kat saved that effort for the interrogations. She thought of Gabriel, so deeply changed and still in a position of crushing power. Kat went over and over that night in her mind, pulling apart every detail. 

And Chris… When the pain pushed her to the edge of what seemed like reality, Kat thought of Chris in some far flung space between the stars. He was away from all of this. She may have hurt him deeply. He may never forgive her. But he was away from all of this.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _My memories of rescue were not a dream. Unfortunately, neither was the sight of the wreckage of_ Discovery. It was an indulgence to see it with my own eyes; I can't afford more now.

*****

Kat pulled off her tactical vest and tossed it in disgust into an empty chair while Sarek sat ever passively by. She'd lost two officers in the raid on a Klingon outpost, and the intel they'd gotten was virtually useless. Their predictive modeling was becoming worse and worse as the great houses became further split in their alliances. Kat put her hands on the conference table and leaned forward.

"Damnit, this is the fourth time they've known we were coming. My people are dying _uselessly_.

"Your vehemence would suggest that a different outcome would justify the loss of life, Admiral," Sarek said.

Kat glared at him. She'd gotten used to Sarek's interjections of logic, but she refused to suffer them stoically. "We are losing this war, Ambassador."

"Logic would dictate that the Klingons have broken our communications coding algorithm yet again."

"Or that they had help," Kat muttered.

He raised one of his eyebrows. "A traitor?"

"The tide of the war has turned drastically. _Logic_ would say that there are those who would try to benefit from that. Even in Starfleet."

"A bleak but wise assumption."

Kat sighed as she let herself sink into a chair. "Our resources are stretched thin as it is, Sarek."

"Indeed." He folded his hands in front of him. "I will notify the Federation Council of the potential problem."

"Command won't be surprised. Between the two of us, maybe they can get a more dedicated taskforce from Starfleet Intelligence."

He nodded. "Admiral Cornwell, would you allow me the indulgence of speaking candidly?"

"By all means."

"You, yourself, must rest." She was about to protest, but Sarek held up his hand. "You have arguably put yourself in harm's way more than any flag officer in the field these past months. I believe you are very aware that your worth to Starfleet is diminished if you are not at your physical and by extension mental best."

Katrina couldn't help but smile. "Noted." she ran both of her hands through her hair. They could all use the rest. But would she find any peace?

*****

After weeks in shuttle bunks and outposts and leaning her head against bulkheads for five minutes of shut eye when she could, it felt strange to be in real quarters on an actual ship. She sat heavily on the bed and pulled off her boots, then let herself fall back before shimmying out of her pants. Kat sighed. She was tired, tense. Morale was low, and Kat had to keep her shit together when she was in front of her crew. It became a habit to let herself be numb.

Kat told herself it was a coping mechanism that would rectify itself. Her training told her it could become a problem. If the Federation fell, Kat was certain to be a casualty, so her mental health was the last thing she was worried about. At that point, Kat barely felt fear. 

She closed her eyes, feeling the slight hum of the ship beneath her. Without much thought, Kat pushed her hand underneath the band of her briefs. Her pussy was ungroomed and dry, but she touched herself anyway, circling her clit without preamble. There was no joy. Her mind too easily wandered to Gabriel, but she couldn't find the man from her youth who teased and laughed and competed with her. And now he was gone. 

And Chris… Kat drew in a shuddering breath, her body finding some pleasure even when her mind felt a stab of regret. What wonders was he exploring, and how much guilt was he feeling for exploring them? Feeling his body next to hers would have been a small comfort--but comfort nonetheless. 

"Fuck," Kat muttered, pulling her hand away. She rolled onto her side and curled her legs in, letting the weariness overtaking her, knowing there was precious little time for sleep.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _My Gabriel has been long dead, and that son of a bitch let me believe he had PTSD, was broken, let me believe I was about to destroy the career of my closest confidant. Forward still, but it's hard to hope we have a chance._

*****

It was hard to stomach how much the low light in the guest quarters made Kat think of the last time she had seen the traitor who masqueraded as her Gabriel Lorca. And still, she found herself rooted in the entryway, her hands on her hips as Georgiou watched her from the sofa. The emperor cocked her head to one side, then another. Kat had no illusions that this was the woman she had once known. Here was a predator, and Georgiou would not pretend to be anything other than what she was.

"Your counterpart in my universe is a mere commander. But she likes it that way, I think. Easier to keep one ear to the ground when one is closer to it."

"I'm not interested in hearing about anyone from your universe."

"What are you interested in, then, Admiral Cornwell?"

Kat removed her badge and slipped it into her pocket, cementing her choice to come here for solace. "I need," she paused, swallowing down the difficulty, "help grounding myself."

Georgiou's eyes flicked from Kat's face, to her pocket and back. She slowly stood. "A challenge." She sauntered forward, eyes sharp, and circled Katrina appraisingly. "One, I think, where you are meant to scream. Shall we see if I've misjudged you?"

"I'm not my counterpart."

"No, you are rather more ambitious than she was," Georgiou said as she stopped directly in front of Kat. Even though the emperor had to look up at her, she still seemed looming. "I can see in your eyes that this surprises you." She chuckled. "She was ruthless, yes, but her attachment to Lorca ran so deep that it was a weakness." Kat pursed her lips, but Georgiou continued, eyes bright in a twisted kind of glee. "So many in your precious Federation move through this universe haunted now that your petty war is done. You hide it better than others."

Kat stepped into Georgiou's space. Her heart hammered in her chest, but she took slow, measured breaths. "You don't know anything about me."

"Quite the contrary, _Kat_." The way Georgiou said her name, it felt like a weapon, but she did not back away. "I know that you are ruthless too, but oh," she said, toying with Kat's collar, "so," she tugged at the zipper, "restrained. I bet my Gabriel didn't know what to do with you."

"Did our Michael Burnham know what to do with you?" 

That landed exactly as Kat had intended it to, and she saw a flash in Georgiou's eyes in the breath before she felt the sting of Georgiou's palm against her cheek. Kat held to that feeling desperately, even as it began to fade away. Before she could touch her cheek, Kat found herself whirled around, cheek pressed into the wall as Georgiou twisted one of her arms behind her back, nearly pulling Kat's shoulder out of its socket. 

"Now, now," Georgiou said, voice singsong, "if that's what you want, you'll have to ask for it." 

Kat closed her eyes as she felt the emperor squeeze her ass before pressing her hand between Kat's legs, teasing her cunt through her trousers. The acute pain in Kat's shoulder bloomed in her consciousness as something to hold onto. But her lips remained a tight, thin line. 

"There is no shame in taking what you need." The emperor twisted Kat's wrist viciously in contrast to the way she stroked her cunt so gently. "Even when it means you must submit."

Kat held her breath until her chest burned before letting it out slowly. The war had taken so much from the Federation, from Starfleet. She had loved Gabriel in her way. And their friendship had stretched through the years like a tether, grounding them in each other. That tether had snapped. So many others she'd come up with were gone, but his loss hurt the most. 

She clenched her teeth and swallowed. "Do it."

What came from the emperor's lips was something akin to a giggle, only wicked. She let go of Kat's wrist, and as Georgiou's footsteps receded, Kat began to undress. There had been no discussion, no ground rules or safe words. Kat knew there wasn't likely to be any either. It was irresponsible, dangerous, and as she carefully stripped off each part of her uniform, folding them neatly, she welcomed it. She waited, hearing the hum of the replicator. 

"Let me see you," Georgiou said as she walked back. 

Kat pursed her lips as she slowly turned. "I'm not here to take orders, Philippa."

"And yet…"

If the emperor had hoped for a reaction by letting Kat see the bullwhip she had coiled in her hand, she would have been disappointed. Kat clenched her jaw, forcing herself to take deep, slow breaths, to calm her heartbeat. 

Georgiou let out a long sigh. "Why must you people insist on erasing your every scar? She let the short whip uncoil, and Kat turned silently, bracing herself against the bulkhead. Her scars ran deeper than medicine could wipe away, but she could picture Georgiou's face when the ones left on her back were revealed. 

There was no preamble, no showmanship. Kat could feel the air change as Georgiou took her stance, and she could feel the fear and anticipation rising along with bile in the back of her throat. The lash followed closely after the crack, almost indistinguishable. The sting was light, precise--the emperor's way of telling Kat that she knew exactly what she was doing. Kat closed her eyes and let herself feel the pain as each blow landed, growing more intense, more cruel. She cried out in anger and grief as much as pain, and she lost count of the blows quickly. 

Tears coated her cheeks. "More," Kat demanded when silence and stillness fell. 

Georgiou's steps were measured. In her mind's eye, Kat could see her sauntering forward. She felt fingernails begin tracing the welts forming across her back and ass, and she hissed in pain. 

"You've had enough."

"No." But Kat was already falling into the emperor's arms. She laid her face down on the bed and began to apply ointment that soothed the pain without taking it away. For a short, blissful time, her mind was quiet. Kat wasn't sure if she fell asleep, but when she opened her eyes Philippa was watching her.

"I underestimated you, Katrina." Her smile was sly. "Your appetite for self-destruction is much greater than I anticipated."

Kat carefully flexed her shoulders, testing. The stiffness was beginning to set in, and she was glad. It would be a reminder, a feeling for a while at least. She licked her lips. Her eyes felt swollen and sandy, and her mouth was dry. "If you want to fuck, you're going to need to get me a glass of water first."

The laugh that came from Philippa's lips was genuine and even warm. It was painful how familiar it was. "The blunt utilitarianism is certainly the same."

It surprised Kat how tenderly the emperor helped her sit up and held the glass of cool water to her lips. Kat let the water cool her throat, and she swallowed as she studied Philippa, who rolled her eyes. 

"Don't look so surprised. If I didn't learn to take care of my toys, I would be left with nothing to play with."

*****

Kat was in transit between _Discovery_ and Earth when Michael Burnham nearly staged her second mutiny. In truth, she was glad to be presented with a better option. Kat had accepted that she would carry Klingon genocide on her shoulders, in her heart for the rest of her life. It hurt. It shamed her. And it would be a black mark on everything she had ever done or would do for Starfleet.

The war had twisted Starfleet's judgement. It had darkened her own. Though, Kat knew she had never been an idealist. Burnham's option was better politics, but it wouldn't have been possible without the terrible plan they had first enacted. That would always be on Kat's conscience. But it wouldn't destroy her. 

Soon she would be welcoming _Discovery_ 's crew to Paris as heroes before sending them out to a new captain and, hopefully, a brighter future. Kat knew _her_ Gabriel would have been proud to have them as his crew. It made her heart heavy, knowing that he would have gone down with the _Buran_.

And then there was Michael Burnham. Katrina could scarcely believe it herself that she was the one who recommended Burham be reinstated. The decision was ultimately Command's, but Katrina advocated stridently for it. Burnham would absolutely get into more scrapes--Kat was sure of that. She would never mutiny again, though. And Starfleet needed a resurrection story. It would create hope in the long days and months and years ahead. God knew they needed hope.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _The_ Enterprise _is making her way back to Federation space, coming home to help pick up the pieces. I'm not sure I'll find the same Chris that I sent away._

*****

Kat centered her thoughts. Rebuilding was paramount, and it was happening at an excruciating pace. But the Federation, Starlfeet had lost so much. Recalling one of her most vital assets home was logical. She was surprised when Chris's face appeared on her screen rather than his hologram taking shape in front of her. He looked older, weathered, but he did not have the haggard, haunted look of war that she saw each time she looked into the mirror.

"Admiral, my apologies. We believe our holo emitters are the cause of the catastrophic systems failure we have suffered."

"Not exactly the welcome back to Federation space you were anticipating, I'm sure, Captain." Kat wanted to smile. She wanted to see him smile, but his face remained impassive. "You're being transferred to the USS _Discovery_ effective immediately. She and her crew are well equipped to investigate these signals, and we'd like you to continue to direct the operation in the field."

He cocked his head. "That's Lorca's ship."

"You'll find a secure briefing has been transmitted to your ready room. This is classified information, for your eyes only."

Kat must have had a tell--and of course Chris would know--because his face softened in concern as he leaned forward. "Kat, what happened?"

She drew in a breath, ready to tell him everything, to confide in him completely and take comfort in letting it out. But Kat clasped her hands in front of her, reminding herself that she was first his superior officer. “Lorca is dead. The brief will make it clear.” His face fell for only a moment before becoming placid, pleasant again. “Chris...that crew has been through hell. And I can’t trust them to anyone else.”

He pursed his lips. She knew he was frustrated because he knew her well enough to know she had decided against opening up to him. "I'd prefer to tell them myself."

"Of course. Good luck, Chris."

When she cut the channel, Kat leaned back and closed her eyes. She couldn't let him have more. There was too much at stake rebuilding, and she'd already given so much of herself.

*****

**Personal Log: Captain Christopher Pike**  
 _After the initial reception my crew and I received on_ Discovery _I would not have been surprised if they did not work so hard to save my life or if they hadn't shown such solidarity in Connolly's send off. Kat was right. This crew has been through hell, but one thing is clear, they came out of it completely unified, entirely driven. And I think we can solve this signal mystery with their sheer determination. But first we have to get Tilly back. Burnham risked her life for me. This crew is willing to risk their lives for Tilly. So, the signals can wait._

*****

Chris waited. He'd never seen the bridge of a ship so empty, but Section 31 conformed to few norms. He warred with himself. Seeing Kat come down those stairs into the well had been a shock, a thrill, and more than anything, it had hurt. He turned on his heel, hurrying in the direction Kat had headed. He caught up to her in a corridor that was blissfully empty, and he only hesitated a moment before taking her elbow.

"Kat…"

"Not here, Captain," she said firmly before turning without another word. Chris assumed he was to follow her, which led him to a small room that looked like it was meant for interrogations. "Computer," Kat said, "disable surveillance devices," Kat said before inputting her command code. After that, she accessed a bulkhead terminal. "Now let's hope _all_ of them are down, but we should assume otherwise."

"Section 31 spies on its own people?"

She perched on the edge of the table, crossing her arms as if closing herself off to him. "You have your orders, Chris."

He pursed his lips. "It's good to see you too."

"I had hoped you would come back," she paused, "to better circumstances, but we are still in survival mode. Rebuilding while continuing to maintain Federation ideals after so much devastation is demoralizing and messy. These mystery signals are not helping."

He watched her eyes, the way she never took them off of his, and he could see her biting the inside of her cheek when she paused. Did she hope he would come back _to her_? The optimist in him said that was the case; the realist said she wasn't letting herself think about it. And he realized he wasn't going to get anything else while they were on this ship. He was in her direct chain of command now. 

"I can bring you up to speed on our findings aboard _Discovery_."

Kat held up her hand. "No need. We'll be rendevuezing with the _Pacifica_. You have other work to do."

Chris drew in a deep breath before nodding. He was going to have to accept that this was not the reunion he'd wanted. "I'll get to it then, Admiral."

She pushed off of the table and reached for him, squeezing his arm all too briefly. "I'm glad you're back, Chris."

He wanted to take her into his arms and kiss her. More than that, he just wanted to feel her body against his, to tell her that she didn't need to bear all of this alone. Instead, he transported back to _Discovery_. Their mission, their duty would always be an impenetrable barrier between them. But Chris had come to accept that.

*****

**Personal Log: Christopher Pike**  
 _I'm not sure if I need to remind Kat that she's the one who sent me away. That would probably get me more than an eye roll. I don't think she completely trusts Section 31; I sure as hell don't, but I don't like this. I had no idea she would be there._

*****

Chris dismissed Saru without further preamble; he would escort her to sickbay to interview Spock himself. Neither of them were doing a good job hiding their frustration, but Kat was tired, worn. She appreciated Chris's suspicions about Section 31, and in his place, she might have been pushing her superiors just as hard. But Section 31 was a tool they needed, whether he wanted to admit that or not. His righteousness was wearing on her.

"If you speak to me that way in front of one of one of your officers again, I will put a note in your file." It was an empty threat, but Kat needed to express her anger in a professional way so that she didn't do it in a personal one. 

"Permission to speak freely, Admiral." His voice was tight. 

"By all means, don't stop now."

"You're right. I have no idea what you're thinking; I have no idea why you would throw in with the likes of Section 31 when Starfleet Intelligence could…"

"I have to walk a line too, Chris. The fact that I have operational command of Section 31 allows me to use its unique and, yes, unsavory tactics for a greater good."

"Without administrative authority you can't keep them in line, Kat, and that lack of oversight is why we are standing here right now."

"Do you trust me?" she snapped, stopping and turning to him. 

She watched Chris blink in surprise before his face softened. "Implicitly."

"Then trust me to do the job I need to do. Right now that's to question your science officer." Kat took a deep breath, calming herself. "I'm not asking as your superior, Chris."

He nodded. Kat could see his arms tense. He wanted to touch her, whether to comfort her or himself, Kat couldn't say. She couldn't brief Chris until she interviewed Spock, and she couldn't move forward with her concerns surrounding Section 31 until that briefing. It was unfair to use the goodwill between them this way; Kat feared she had abused her relationship with Chris beyond repair. But there was little else she could do when so much hung in the balance.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _I wish I could say we were finished with funerals for a while._


	10. Chapter 10

The crew took the loss better than he expected; it was still hard, it still hurt, but they'd been through a war, a betrayal. They mourned and then they tucked it away until it was convenient to revisit it again. That was part of the endless sacrifice of duty. And duty was what was keeping Starfleet together in the wake of the war. Duty made this crew push for a future Chris wasn't sure they could protect. 

Chris let himself feel it, though. He let himself feel the weight of Airium's death and the weight of their mission. The responsibility was his; feeling everything to its fullest extent was the burden he took with the captain's pips. But the chime at his door pulled Chris out of his thoughts. If he were a different man, Chris wouldn't have dared hope. But he wasn't a different man. Kat stood in front of him, the circles under her eyes dark with fatigue. 

"Admiral, please," he said as he stepped aside, "come in."

He watched her take in his quarters impassively. "You remodeled." 

"I know Gabriel was your friend." He felt his cheeks warm. Good to know that she could still do that to him. "I just…"

"I like it." Katrina squeezed his arm. "And Gabriel was my friend...but he'd changed. You were away for a long time, Chris." Even behind closed doors, she was the Admiral first, and she wouldn't say how she really felt about Lorca's doppelganger. Classified information was classified for a reason. But he also knew that as Kat, she didn't want to revisit the enormous amount of pain that deception caused her. 

They were silent as they sat opposite each other, and he could have sworn Kat looked almost wistful as she leaned forward with her arms on her knees. 

"I hope you didn't throw out all of Lorca's Earth whiskey; he always had the best stash. Even before..." Her green eyes were dark. 

"Before what?" 

"No, let's leave it. I didn't come here to talk about Lorca." The edge in her voice confirmed what he'd suspected. She wasn't over it. She wouldn't be for a long time. 

"Okay…" He had always known when to stop pushing. But like she had said, he'd been away for a long time. His absence from the war had shaped him just as much as her presence for it shaped her. 

But Kat met his eyes, and he let out a breath when her gaze softened. "The whiskey?"

Chris couldn't help a lopsided smile as he stood. "You always could drink me under the table."

He was glad when she laughed. Joining her was a balm, and when he returned with the glasses, he sat next to her, their legs touching. They hadn't touched in so long. Too long. 

"I'm sorry about Lieutenant Commander Airium," she said as he poured. They raised their glasses in a silent toast and drank. 

"I haven't been captain of _Discovery_ for long, but losing a fellow officer never gets easier, no matter the circumstances." He knew he didn't have to tell her that, and yet he said it anyway. 

"I hear you've been making some reckless choices in that regard, Chris."

Even staring into his drink, Chris knew she was tilting her head, appraising him. But was it as his commanding officer, his therapist? Was it as his lover? He got up and started to pace, still not meeting her eyes. "All this time. I've been home for months!" He couldn't keep the emotion, the vehemence out of his voice. Not with her. "A new ship, dangerous missions, everyone reminding me what I missed, and you don't bother to tell me why you picked me." The anger bubbled over after he'd kept it inside so long. "Why I got sidelined."

"Christopher," she said softly, "did you really not know?"

Her surprise, her achingly gentle tone split him between frustration and outright rage. He sat down again, and they faced each other. Chris took his time taking her in. She looked weary, the lines on her face were deeper. Her jaw seemed sharper. And he saw so much hurt in her eyes that he deflated, anger giving way to the lost, hollow feeling that had taken residence in his heart. 

"Honestly, I thought you hated me." Speaking it was worse than thinking it had been. Speaking it breathed life to his fears. 

"Oh, Chris."

He had never heard her say anything with so much regret, and that stung even more. But when she opened her arms, he clung to her chest, not ashamed to show her how desperately he'd needed her. She ran her fingers through his hair as she said, "I'm sorry, Chris. I couldn't lose you." Her voice didn't break, but he could hear the grief. "We couldn't. I'm sorry."

"Damnit, Kat." He closed his eyes. "Did you once think of what I would have done if I lost you?"

"You would have carried on," she said firmly. "You would have done your duty."

"I had plenty of time to think about my duty while my fellow officers were here dying for it." It was more bitter than he meant it to be. Knowing why would have helped--not just him but his crew as well. 

She pulled away, just enough to grip his shoulders and look him in the eye. Her lips were tight. "And you're here. We both are."

His anger receded as quickly as it had come. Had he been in her position, he would have tried to do the same thing. Chris touched her cheek. Her face was thinner, cheekbones sharper--little things that didn't come across in a hologram. But he liked age on Kat.

"I need to tell you something." Kat cocked her head, but she didn't press, didn't move away. "I met someone. It was…" He shook his head. The particulars of the mission were in the logs. She could review them any time she wanted. For all he knew, she already had. "Brief, but," he cleared his throat, "meaningful."

"Do you love her?" there was no hint of her true feelings in her voice. And Chris knew he didn't need to tell her any of this. Yet, it was the first time he'd felt something so acutely since Kat left him. And even with what he'd experienced with Vina, having Kat in his arms was like coming home. 

"I could have." He wouldn't lie to Kat. 

"What stopped you?"

"You know what stopped me," he said, taking her face in his hands as he kissed her. 

Kat didn't pull away. She didn't try to tell him that this wasn't the right time or that he had to let go. Instead, she stopped holding herself back. He ran his thumbs over her cheeks and brought one of her hands to his lips, kissing the palm, nipped the tender spot between her thumb and forefinger. She caressed his jaw with her long fingers. Piano player's hands, he'd said to her once--she'd tossed her head back in laughter and said she'd played the french horn. That had been a lifetime ago, but her skin still tasted the same as he sucked at the tips of her fingers. He could hear her breath catch, and he wanted to devour her. But Chris knew when to savor a moment. 

He kissed her wrist just where her sleeve showed the skin, and then he slid to his knees in front of her. Kat raised her eyebrows, silently questioning him, but Chris just smiled. They had always trusted each other, and when she smiled back, he knew it was still true. She trusted him here as much as she trusted him on the bridge. He slid off her boots and tugged at her pants, removing them as she shifted her hips. As he kissed up one of her legs, Chris took his time. He sucked at the spot behind her knee, making her shudder, making him smile against her skin. 

"Is this teasing a punishment?" The richness of desire in her voice made his cock twitch. Punishment for sending him away? Punishment for telling him she loved him with every part of her body but leaving him asleep to continue her career?

"No," he murmured against her inner thigh. "I'm just learning you all over again."

"Why?" He thought he might hear anguish, regret in her voice. But Kat knew the answer. He knew she didn't need to hear it again. But he could show her. He would always show her. 

Chris kissed the inside of her other thigh. He breathed her scent through her thin briefs before he pulled them off. As he rose from his knees to sit beside her, Chris pressed his palm to her labia, catching his breath at how perfectly smooth she was--some things never changed. When she pushed up into his hand, Chris slowly withdrew, teasing. He undid her collar and unzipped her tunic, taking his time to drag his knuckles down her chest as he kissed her jaw. 

Kat ran her hands through his hair, impatiently willing him back to her breasts, but Chris took his time pushing off her tunic, slowly peeling off the tank underneath it. She half smiled when he coaxed her onto her back. It was the same feeling he'd had when he'd first seen her this way. But she was different. Her breasts were perfect teardrops where they had once been pert. Chris palmed them reverently, hardly able to comprehend how she had aged into even greater beauty. 

It delighted Chris when she let out a surprised and very undignified squeal when he picked her up, cradling her in his arms as he carried her to the bed. "Don't you dare," she gasped as he threatened to toss her onto the bed. 

"Never." He grinned and kissed her before setting her down gently. Chris pulled off his shirt, needing to feel her skin against his. And she met his embrace by wrapping her arms and legs around him, pressing her body into his. "Kat," he whispered, as if making sure she was real. "Kat, I need…"

"I know."

He closed his eyes, wanting to lose himself, knowing he could. Chris put his hand between her legs, but Kat stopped him. Her face was lit with a soft, bemused smile. "I'm not twenty-five anymore, Chris."

He knit his brows together, not understanding. Kat had only become more of a force, with grace that transcended beauty. She brought his hand to her lips, sucking his fingers before she kissed his palm down to the pulsepoint on his wrist. He smiled, blushing because he should have realized. "Of course...let me…" 

It was only a moment to find a program for and replicate suitable lubrication, and Chris silently thanked Starfleet for the perks of captain's quarters. It warmed on his hand, and when he parted her labia, running his fingers between them, making her wet, she drew in a sharp breath. 

He pushed two fingers in and leaned down to take one of her nipples between his teeth, just teasing it with his tongue. Kat's hands were on the back of his neck, running over his shoulders, like she was taking every bit of him in. 

"Trust me," he said, lips grazing her nipple. 

"I always have." It was so matter-of-fact--said without pause, without doubt--and, he realized, entirely true. But his heart still almost seized in his chest, overwhelmed with regret and desire and hope. He fucked her slowly, adding another finger, gentle but firm until his knuckles slipped into her vagina. 

"Chris…" She didn't close her eyes, she didn't turn away. Her pupils were wide and her face gleaming. "Don't stop," she breathed. 

He rocked his knuckles back and forth, carefully slipping them in and out, adding more of the lube. The widest part of his hand slipped in, and she nodded, urging him on. His cock was painfully hard, but Chris ignored his own desire. He had never seen Kat so vulnerable. She moaned as he rotated his wrist. Still, she stared into his eyes; he couldn't imagine ever wanting to look away. Slowly he curled his fingers, just slightly to stimulate the internal parts of her clitorus. 

Kat writhed against him, moaning with abandon as she came, her body clenching around him. Chris was sure that he would have come at her slightest touch in that moment. But he pushed his desire back as he slowly pulled out of her. Kat stroked his hair languidly when he laid his head on her chest. 

"You're too good," she murmured. 

Chris smiled against her skin. "I thought you said I was the best." 

Kat's laugh was low, rich, and he wanted to breath it in, to swallow it and let it warm him completely. She shifted, and they both wound up on their sides, facing each other. Kat's dimples deepened even before she fully smiled, and he couldn't help but smile in response. 

"Do you trust me?" she asked, and Chris laughed in response. She knew he did, but Kat would always keep asking. 

He kissed the side of her lips. "Of course."

There was a flash of mischief in her eyes that never ceased to excite him each time he'd seen it. And when she put her palm on his chest and pushed him back, Chris didn't resist. Kat stood, looking down at him with her head tilted. "I don't think we're done exploring vulnerabilities."

"Oh?" Chris was smirking because of the playfulness in her voice. 

"Finish undressing." Chris knew the slight, intimate differences in an order from his Admiral and an order from his lover. This was the latter, and he followed it glady, shimmying out of his pants. His cock was rigid, already dripping; that's what Kat did to him. She walked away from him, her silhouette just visible in the low light, saying over her shoulder, "I'm going to peg you."

He froze, heat rising on his cheeks. Chris waited, his breath jagged with anticipation. It didn't matter what had happened between them, how hurt he had been. Hearing her laugh, seeing her smile made the time and distance between them disappear. Chris would open any vulnerability for her. He had few as great as Kat was, though. 

He turned on his side and watched her return to the bed, hips slung with a harness holding the dildo in place. He didn't realize that he licked his lips. Kat knelt on the bed beside him and smiled, touching his cheek before she kissed him. Chris gave himself over to her, letting her overwhelm him. She took his hair and guided his face to the dildo, and Chris moaned as it filled his mouth. 

He sucked it like he would any cock--diligently and with relish. Kat let him take his time. If he flicked his eyes up, he knew he would have seen her looking down at him. But Chris could feel her staring, delighting in the spectacle. She let go of his hair, and Chris kissed up her body to nip at her earlobe before whispering, "Fuck me, Kat."

It was begging, and he loved every moment of it. She made him lie down again, and delight blossomed as he felt her fingers, slick and warm, enter him. Kat made him ready before replacing her fingers with the head of the dildo. She was slow, painfully, delightfully slow, and when she had the hilt buried inside of him, leaving him on the verge of squirming, Kat stared into his eyes. He wanted to hold that moment for an eternity at the very least. And it was gone as quickly. Kat fucked him languidly, establishing a maddening pace before she began to stroke his cock too. Time stretched into nothingness for Chris. Until he came and held her close to him while he came down from his orgasm's brightness. 

They shifted, Chris spooning Kat from behind, breathing in the scent of her hair. It was like a lost part of him was finally fitted back into place. And yet, the fate of the universe hung in the balance between them. He knew nights like this would be scarce.

*****

Kat woke to the feeling of the harness digging into her hip from lying on it so long. She'd fallen asleep with Chris's arms around her, and he'd thrown a blanket over them both at some point, but Kat carefully extracted herself from his arms and pulled it over his chest. Kat was quiet as she slipped the harness off and got herself a glass of water. She felt a pang at the memory of leaving him sleeping what seemed like a lifetime ago.

When she came back to bed, he stirred. Kat slipped under the blanket, closing her eyes as she rolled onto her stomach 

"You came back," he murmured. 

"Mm." Kat felt his lips on her shoulder, the back of her neck. She stretched her arms up and under the pillow, letting the covers fall back as he shifted close to her. 

Kat heard Chris's sharp intake of breath when he ran his hand down her side to her hip. She felt pleasantly tired, almost asleep again. But Chris was sitting up now, and even though he didn't touch her skin, Kat could feel Chris's fingers hovering over the faint scars that her time aboard the Ship of the Dead had left her. She knew he was taking in the ugly bruising of almost healed, fresher marks. 

"Kat…" She unpacked the layers in his voice, in simply saying her name. He was surprised, stern, upset. "What the hell is this?"

She set her jaw but remained still, unwilling to acknowledge his disapproval by rolling over. "It's nothing you need to worry about."

For a moment, Chris was silent, but Kat felt his eyes just as she felt his mind spinning. Kat was too tired. The war left Starfleet to rebuild blindfolded and one arm tied behind their backs. And now this--the signals, Control, and naturally the future of all life as they knew it. Some days she felt so brittle that she would break; Georgiou provided a convenient way to remind her that she wouldn't. 

Gently, he touched one of the stripes. She felt the mattress shift as he leaned forward, no doubt seeing the scars underneath, parsing what was fresh and what were souvenirs from her time aboard the _Sarcophagus_.

"I know they tortured you, Kat. I… Why would you do it to yourself?"

"And I'm not asking you to understand." Kat wanted to snap, but she made sure every word was measured, so much so that they came out cold. 

"Katrina, you of all people… This can't be healthy." He might as well be on the bridge questioning her integrity again. Kat didn't need to see his face to know it was the same, and this time, her anger rose, coloring her cheeks and her chest. 

Kat sat up quickly and glared at him. "Don't you dare take that tone with me. You have no idea...no idea what it takes to come back from everything we lost in this war. Everything _I_ lost. You have no idea how much it takes to _feel_ something." Kat brushed her hair back angrily. "You have always wanted everything, all of me, and this righteous indignation is _exactly_ what I expected. This is all of me, Chris." She opened her arms, fingers spread wide. "You don't get to cherry pick the parts that suit you."

She turned to get up, but Chris caught her shoulders, holding her tightly. "Don't walk away from me, Kat."

"Let," she began, narrowing her eyes, "me go."

"I can't let you go. I have tried--my God, I have tried. But I love you."

Kat grabbed his face, forcing him to stare into her eyes. "Then love _me_."

"Are you telling me," he said softly, placing one of his hands over hers, "that you felt nothing earlier?"

"No." Kat sighed. Perhaps all the regret between them was too much to overcome after all. "No, Chris… I felt everything. But I can't be what you think I am."

"You are." He pulled her against his chest and stroked her hair as she looked up at him. "And so much more. I've always known that. And there are ways to feel that don't have to create scars."

Kat's anger and frustration began to fade as she touched her forehead to his. How many more times would they find themselves exactly here? Too few, she feared, and it felt like they conceded to each other when he kissed her. Kat clung to Chris just as he clung to her, and she let him make love to her gently as unshed tears filled her eyes.

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _The implications of Gabrielle Burnham's intelligence and the Section 31 massacre perpetrated by Control are great enough that I've been called away from_ Discovery _to brief Command directly. Chris can see this through; I wish he didn't have to._

*****

There wasn't much time to say goodbye--none, really. But all the same, Katrina found herself in Chris's ready room, standing across from him like she had countless times before when she told him duty was calling her away. He'd nodded crisply and proceeded to brief her on the latest intelligence from Gabrielle Burnham before assuring her that he would prioritize updates should anything change before Kat reached the starbase.

But as soon as his duty was done, he pulled Kat into a kiss that left no question as to how he felt about her departure. "Considering everything that has happened with Control and Section 31, do you think it's wise to trust Command right now?"

The same thought had crossed her mind. "I see no other choice. With what we know about the signals, the Red Angel, Control is still a likely threat. Command needs to understand the gravity of this situation."

"I know, Kat. I know," he said softly. "Can you help with Spock?"

"I'll make sure he's reinstated with a clean slate."

He pushed her hair behind her ear before kissing her again. Kat closed her eyes so that she could simply feel him, breathe his scent. When he pulled her into a tight hug, she didn't want him to let her go. 

"It goes without saying that I don't want you to go, but…" Kat could hear the smile in his voice even through the resignation. He pulled back so that she could see his face while he still held her. "When you're done, I want you to go to the _Enterprise_. Her refit is complete, and if this keeps going the way it has been, I want you and Una on standby." 

Kat raised her eyebrows and failed to hold back a smirk. "Are you giving me orders, Captain Pike?"

He had the grace to look sheepish, which made Kat want to kiss him all the more. "Will you follow them?"

"No." She gave him a soft, almost chaste kiss. "But I will assume command of the _Enterprise_ and oversee her work. Should you need her, you'll have her."

They broke apart, but he held both of her hands reluctantly. "Come back to me, Kat."

All she could do was squeeze his hands and offer a half smile before taking her leave. He knew she couldn't promise that, but Kat also hoped he knew that she would try.

*****

The screen in front of Kat came to life with Chris's image. He looked far beyond tired--weary to the bone, as the saying went. She leaned forward in her chair, not bothering to hide her concern.

"Number One got your message. We're standing by."

"I wish there was another way," he murmured as he rubbed his chin. 

"Chris…" Even with everything stacked against them, time running out and tensions high, Kat wished she could stop everything to comfort him because it was obvious to her that he needed it. They knew each other so well, and for the first time in a long time, that hurt. "What happened on Boreth?"

He looked up at her, and his eyes were dull, haunted. For a moment, Chris looked like a boy who was simply lost. "I… Kat, I can't. It's…" He shook his head. "I gave my word."

She nodded, helpless. "Prepare for your jump. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can dispose of Control once and for all."

*****

**Personal Log: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**  
 _The fate of everything we know and love hangs in the balance as we prepare to do what we must to get_ Discovery _away from our time. There's been no time to rebuild after the war, but if we are not successful, there will be no time left for us at all._

*****

The Federation flag sat folded neatly on his desk, and even though Chris deliberately avoided looking at it, he could feel it there. But he couldn't bring himself to remove it, not yet. The _Enterprise_ limped slowly to the nearest starbase for the parts and repairs that would get them back to Utopia Planitia for a longer refit. He knew the time in transit would be his only respite. There was an inquest waiting back on Earth. He and his crew would be facing it together and as a tighter knit unit than ever before. And yet, he felt so alone.

With a sigh, he put down the padd he'd been working on and closed his eyes, rubbing his temples. When he stood, Chris caught his own reflection. Staring back at him was a man showing the wear of years in the command seat. It caught up to them all, but grief deepened the lines on his forehead, around his eyes. Grief weighed on his heart like a weight he didn't know how to remove. 

He started to make himself a drink, his hands reaching for the mixings for a martini, but he stopped when his eyes fell on the bottle of wine so dark it almost looked black. Spice wine. Chris opened it and poured himself a glass. He breathed in the scent, but his throat was too tight to take a drink. 

She would not have said her death was senseless. More than the lives of his crew had been at stake, and she'd had faith that Chris would finish the job, get _Discovery_ to safety and ensure humanity's future. And yet, he'd run a thousand simulations on the blast door, the exact model of photon torpedo, and the ship herself. Because he realized he'd never really let go of the idea of a future with her. 

He swallowed the lump in his throat and swallowed half the glass in one go. Chris hadn't told Kat about his fate. She wouldn't hear it, but she knew it was sealed. And she'd never let him avoid anything. She'd met hers with dignity. But she met everything with some measure of dignity. He'd realized that from the moment they first met. 

Finally, he turned to the flag, raising his glass to it. "You never made it easy for me, did you?"

He heard his ready room doors open and turned to see Number One sauntering in, hands clasped behind her back. 

"Don't you ever knock?"

She cocked her head. "Have you, once, in all of our years serving on this ship asked me to knock?"

Chris sighed and took another long drink by way of a concession as she wandered in and picked up the open bottle. 

"Fancy. This stuff used to be contraband."

"I'm aware. What's the problem, Number One?"

"We'll arrive at the starbase in just under an hour."

"You could have told me that through comms."

She poured herself a glass and topped him off. "Yeah, I could have."

He rolled his eyes as she slid into a chair. Chris resigned himself to her presence because even if he didn't, his first officer wasn't going to go away 

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked. Typical, deadpan and getting right to the heart of the issue. Pike appreciated that about Una--just not in this moment. 

"When has that ever stopped you before?"

"Chris," Una said, leaning forward, "it was an inevitability. She accepted that. You should too."

"I don't wanna hear it right now."

"No," she said, draining her glass and standing, "but I'll be around when you do."

Chris wasn't sure he ever would. There was only room for sentiment in grief, and Chris knew some part of him would grieve until the day he took his last breath. And even when he did that, he would see her slight nod, her last look telling him that he would be okay.

*****

**Last Will and Testament: Admiral Katrina Cornwell**

_Chris... We all make these before dangerous missions...if there's time... You know the drill. Now, with the war, every mission could be the last. Gabriel would have said I'm being dramatic, but it's just a fact. It shouldn't surprise you that this message is all I have to leave._

_I hope we've had many more conversations since, but I know our last one hurt you deeply. It's not fair for me to go to my grave without apologizing. This war is… It's bleak, and I don't know that there will be anything for you to come back to. But I will fight to make sure everything we have given our lives for survives. There is no one I trust more to continue on, to rebuild...if that's how this ends. And this is where I confess that I advocated for the decision to keep you away selfishly. I can't lose you. I have always loved you, and every decision I've made about you...about us has been because of that. I'm sorry, Chris; I have never been able to live up to what you see in me._

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to GlassesOfJustice for beta work, cheerleading, always listening to me scream, and for being one!brain with me.


End file.
